Blues Concert

HO WILL CALL YOUR NAME...

I felt it the minute my eyes opened this morning before dawn boy could share his song...I had  "soul sickness".  The best way to get rid of soul sickness is to Sing...

Wednesday 9/2/2020
Today I'm putting on a concert and I'm the saddest DJ you ever laid eyes on, just playing the songs that make me .................sob, and I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and let out all the emotions surrounding this sadness and the Sh*t that has gone down in my life and the life of my family...we have had a rough couple of years.  We are due a break and if it don't come soon,,,,,well then I don't see the point. 
The following are some of the saddest songs I've ever had the joy to hear. 

... the following song for my beloved and beautiful son💓...he is going through some really hard times.  I reach out but I don't know the right words and I only make a mess of things because when my center is in place I am a realists and I just say "well, it's easy just do things differently." He is so much like MY dad...sadly he needs his own dad right now...when you need someone the most and they are not even on the Planet anymore, it's so final. 



😫😫😢😢

 I must work through it or it lingers... I listen to Vince Gill and Sarah McLachlan ..their gilded voices help me work thru the sadness that has brought me to my knees today...they pull it out, it seeps out of my pores like honey from a deserted  hive, and maybe I can be lifted again to stand strong but till then...I purge and I embrace this pain. Because it's impossible to sit down with a real person and work through these emotions...they would be so alarmed and stressed out it would be quite cruel to put someone on that line, 


My Mom and I used to sing this song together, we really loved to sing and play our guitars...voices sending it out there...If you have never taken the time to be with someone you love  and SING a song together you are really missing out on a connection that comes from deep inside. An experience you will never forget.  The last song we sang together was at the breakfast table in 2019...it was the "Circle". She remembered the words...*T* And then we sang it at her funeral that fall...there is nothing worse than a cold blustery November funeral💔when it's your mama they are putting in that tomb. 

I'm playing this song for my dad💝...his life was so short, and tormented...he was no stranger to the dark side of life..,my Mom's happiest years were when my dad stopped drinking and was saved in the Church of God...she said she would never forget the day the "spirit" entered him and he walked between those pews to the preacher and they all prayed over him, I wish I could of seen that because it lasted only 2 yrs...and I hadn't been born yet...he gave her a bible that Christmas and then...she said, "the devil got him back." It really broke my heart to hear her say that.  My sister who is now 71 was a wee baby crawling on the floor...he came home drunk and shot a pistol in the house and that baby,  reached out and picked up that bullet then she cried cause it was hot when she touched it..He got saved after that and I was born a couple years later...but he left and he aged well beyond his years..and then he came back took us to Michigan and my baby sis was born, then he left and he aged so much beyond his years, and he moved us to South Carolina, and then one day he just left...and  6 months later we attended a May funeral in Tennessee. 
I have lived 14 yrs beyond what my father did...a life in exchange.


Vince Gill, Patty Loveless, Ricky Skaggs


This next song I am playing for my beloved Mom💝.  If there is such a thing, I know she is with them 'because my mom was an Earthly Angel...🙏'

In the Arms of an Angel 



MY MOM believed She read her Bible, from cover to cover, but she rarely went to a Church...in fact she did not like Church.  So today I celebrate her belief only if for a day..she used to tell me she was praying for me...I think she started praying for me when I was born and she never stopped....she knew I was not a believer, that I had struggled with it all my life, and she respected that and she never tried to convince me otherwise, she would just say "I am praying for you"...and she would fold her hands together and close her eyes...and she really meant it from the heart...No one prays for me now and I know that makes no sense for someone who doesn't even believe but I miss that closeness we had...when someone reaches out to you in a special way, it means something.  It shows love. 

She is gone....but today and everyday I mourn my mom..She told my dad when  he brought her to South Carolina in 1960 that she was NOT leaving here, he could go where ever he wanted but she was staying and she did...she was a widow for 53 years. She raised 3 kids on minimum wage alone, and she prayed  for him. 

I still believe in you....




Some days it's like I really can't go on dealing with grief its a daily challenge...and it only cuts deeper the closer it gets  to the first birthday without my Mom...it's overwhelming...
and in a couple months I mark a whole year of life without her..It just hit me like a ton of bricks  how can that be, how can that be? She watched me take my first breath, my first steps...and I watched her take her last breath, and I helped her take her last steps.  I watched my son take his first breath, and I watched him take his first steps.....

This next song is for the man💘 I loved for over 40 yrs of my life...I misunderstood what was happening,  and I let him down in many ways, and we had many many happy years in between all that...and I will never be healed of his loss..I tried...there is no way to say I'm sorry to someone  who has forgotten your name, his own son,  and the past 48 yrs of time spent together...sometimes it is too late to say I will always love you....So I'm playing this for him, AND all the other families out there who are going through Alzheimer. I know your pain.

I Never Knew Lonely..


Sometimes you must show your emotions, you must reveal your heart and the place it is in...I am all the things I allow myself to be.  I am strong, I am determined, I am capable, I am independent, I am weak, I am wounded,  I am hurt, I deserve a stiff kick in the pants, and a big bear hug, sometimes you need someone  to carry the  sword while you lay your's down and weep.

For my  three pillars... Father, Husband, Mother....this one goes from my heart to yours...

I  Will Remember You...



I finish up my mini concert with Alison Krauss another wonderful harmonizer...when you have people around you who you love and  who share your history and your grief, who will drop everything when you need them...you  need not say anything, be comfortable in the silence, and put your head  on my shoulder...and let the tears fall down, it's ok.
For my lovely Sisters💕....

When You Say Nothing At All




I hope you never shove your feeling down, I hope  you let them out and you experience all of them...how can we know the depth of love if we never feel the sense of loss, loneliness, grief, and the sad distance when that love has left us?

All that noise of life..and then there was silence...fill it with song.