Years they pass so quickly...

HERE DID IT GO?

Im referring to time... 

Sometimes I feel as if Im a lone survivor of  a terrible disaster that was my family life.  I know I  ran away from family responsibilities at one time, and I needed that I may not even be the lone survivor otherwise.  I felt the door opened and I ran out of it...my son was going into this 3rd year o f college, my mom was retired in fairly good health and content, my sisters were doing okay my husband so wrapped up in his own world of working part time at his business and then golfing every afternoon...so I felt they didn't need me at that point in life.  

I just redid the post on my other blog of when we moved this old house I live in way back in 1977 from town where it was built in the '50's to this land.  All the photos were missing from the post, so I dug them out scanned them in and made it whole again.  IF only we could do that with our past with the lives of people, rescan them and make it alright again. 

While I went thru those photos I relived the memories...and then the 44 years of life and death and loss that followed that move. When I die those memories will no longer exist, they will become ash blown off in a hard wind....and the life those memories represent will be lost forever. 

To say it left me hurting is like saying the sun is bright...damn it hurt to recall all the life we all had here; the happiness, the hard times, the good times, the bad, the hanging on, the trying  again.  The past and the lives in it flashed before me, and before you know it my own will do the same.  LIFE is so damn SHORT...Maybe I have survivors guilt...add that to long list of malady I am currently experiencing.   I think of bones, walls, and distance and suddenly my world is a small island one in danger of sinking and being washed away by the next storm.

Here I am again will you take me as I am?

Write it down...

ELL....

A very deep and dark place...

I almost feel like I could say something profound, it's right on the tip of my mind, but it hasn't  made it's way to my fingers.  I would like to say I'm healed, all good, in a good place emotionally.  If I said that it would be the lie of the century.  I've never found myself to be so emotionally low and the feeling of complete hopelessness is the mainstay of my pallet. I could paint only a monochrome storm if I had canvas in front of me. 

I do try to "cheer myself up" but it's only a temporary stay as I can NOT fix what is causing the trouble  inside me.  I can't bring the dead back to life, I can't go back and undo the mistakes I made, I can't cure addictions, and I can't even find the words to explain myself.  What once was my sanctuary now feels like a prison. 

I have kept a written journal since 1996...the day my precious Sundance died...I had to get that hurt out of me, put it someplace else so I  wrote  down the emotions, the sorrow, the sadness and the disbelief.  Now I have soooo much sorrow in me I can't even write it out.  It simple lays there and rots.  My paper is blank my journal untouched.  The feelings follow me around like a cloud of bad omens. 

I try to fix it all up in my mind, I imagine how life could be, if only, but then I have to come back to the real world and deal with "there is no butter in the fridge, and I have just toasted the perfect small everything bagel." Ordinary things fall through the cracks and the motivation to do something about it turns to silly putty. 

I purged some things...one day I saw some clutter.  I can't deal with clutter in my surroundings, my van is a complete mess and I have to address that...but my house is normally clutter free.  The cluttered and muddled thinking has spread to my van, my laundry room, and my house.  Suddenly I saw the clutter and it had to go! So I went on a cleaning spree.  I tossed out, I tucked in closets, I dusted under the bed, I collected filed the paid bill stubs...I toss out my old PC Tower that I have dragged around since 2003...
I even moved my sweet Casey's sleeping bed out of the bedroom.  It has lay empty for 16 months, the smudges he left  with his dirty paws still right where he left them.  I however only made it to the laundry room with it and then I broke down and wept like a child  who was lost in the woods, I put the vacuum away, I hung the duster up, stashed the dust pan by the trash can and called it done. 

How can I toss that out? It's like tossing him out.  I just can't do that. Dealing with grief the past four years has taken a huge toll on me.  I am no longer the same person, I don't get that same excitement that I once did from the activities I enjoy doing...I find it very hard to get OUT of my own way. 

I can't go into depth of what is at the root of my sadness, I do know what it is I just  cant share it with the world right now.  I can only continue to WANT things to change, things I have no control over.  
I understand so many things now that I never understood before, it has not made me happier only it has put me in a place of bitter acceptance. I feel any wisdom I had is irrelevant, I am yearning for just an ounce of hope.
Death by fire or death by ice is just as dead in the end.

"he is running a 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction"
Casting Clowns.

Blues Concert

HO WILL CALL YOUR NAME...

I felt it the minute my eyes opened this morning before dawn boy could share his song...I had  "soul sickness".  The best way to get rid of soul sickness is to Sing...

Wednesday 9/2/2020
Today I'm putting on a concert and I'm the saddest DJ you ever laid eyes on, just playing the songs that make me .................sob, and I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and let out all the emotions surrounding this sadness and the Sh*t that has gone down in my life and the life of my family...we have had a rough couple of years.  We are due a break and if it don't come soon,,,,,well then I don't see the point. 
The following are some of the saddest songs I've ever had the joy to hear. 

... the following song for my beloved and beautiful son💓...he is going through some really hard times.  I reach out but I don't know the right words and I only make a mess of things because when my center is in place I am a realists and I just say "well, it's easy just do things differently." He is so much like MY dad...sadly he needs his own dad right now...when you need someone the most and they are not even on the Planet anymore, it's so final. 



😫😫😢😢

 I must work through it or it lingers... I listen to Vince Gill and Sarah McLachlan ..their gilded voices help me work thru the sadness that has brought me to my knees today...they pull it out, it seeps out of my pores like honey from a deserted  hive, and maybe I can be lifted again to stand strong but till then...I purge and I embrace this pain. Because it's impossible to sit down with a real person and work through these emotions...they would be so alarmed and stressed out it would be quite cruel to put someone on that line, 


My Mom and I used to sing this song together, we really loved to sing and play our guitars...voices sending it out there...If you have never taken the time to be with someone you love  and SING a song together you are really missing out on a connection that comes from deep inside. An experience you will never forget.  The last song we sang together was at the breakfast table in 2019...it was the "Circle". She remembered the words...*T* And then we sang it at her funeral that fall...there is nothing worse than a cold blustery November funeral💔when it's your mama they are putting in that tomb. 

I'm playing this song for my dad💝...his life was so short, and tormented...he was no stranger to the dark side of life..,my Mom's happiest years were when my dad stopped drinking and was saved in the Church of God...she said she would never forget the day the "spirit" entered him and he walked between those pews to the preacher and they all prayed over him, I wish I could of seen that because it lasted only 2 yrs...and I hadn't been born yet...he gave her a bible that Christmas and then...she said, "the devil got him back." It really broke my heart to hear her say that.  My sister who is now 71 was a wee baby crawling on the floor...he came home drunk and shot a pistol in the house and that baby,  reached out and picked up that bullet then she cried cause it was hot when she touched it..He got saved after that and I was born a couple years later...but he left and he aged well beyond his years..and then he came back took us to Michigan and my baby sis was born, then he left and he aged so much beyond his years, and he moved us to South Carolina, and then one day he just left...and  6 months later we attended a May funeral in Tennessee. 
I have lived 14 yrs beyond what my father did...a life in exchange.


Vince Gill, Patty Loveless, Ricky Skaggs


This next song I am playing for my beloved Mom💝.  If there is such a thing, I know she is with them 'because my mom was an Earthly Angel...🙏'

In the Arms of an Angel 



MY MOM believed She read her Bible, from cover to cover, but she rarely went to a Church...in fact she did not like Church.  So today I celebrate her belief only if for a day..she used to tell me she was praying for me...I think she started praying for me when I was born and she never stopped....she knew I was not a believer, that I had struggled with it all my life, and she respected that and she never tried to convince me otherwise, she would just say "I am praying for you"...and she would fold her hands together and close her eyes...and she really meant it from the heart...No one prays for me now and I know that makes no sense for someone who doesn't even believe but I miss that closeness we had...when someone reaches out to you in a special way, it means something.  It shows love. 

She is gone....but today and everyday I mourn my mom..She told my dad when  he brought her to South Carolina in 1960 that she was NOT leaving here, he could go where ever he wanted but she was staying and she did...she was a widow for 53 years. She raised 3 kids on minimum wage alone, and she prayed  for him. 

I still believe in you....




Some days it's like I really can't go on dealing with grief its a daily challenge...and it only cuts deeper the closer it gets  to the first birthday without my Mom...it's overwhelming...
and in a couple months I mark a whole year of life without her..It just hit me like a ton of bricks  how can that be, how can that be? She watched me take my first breath, my first steps...and I watched her take her last breath, and I helped her take her last steps.  I watched my son take his first breath, and I watched him take his first steps.....

This next song is for the man💘 I loved for over 40 yrs of my life...I misunderstood what was happening,  and I let him down in many ways, and we had many many happy years in between all that...and I will never be healed of his loss..I tried...there is no way to say I'm sorry to someone  who has forgotten your name, his own son,  and the past 48 yrs of time spent together...sometimes it is too late to say I will always love you....So I'm playing this for him, AND all the other families out there who are going through Alzheimer. I know your pain.

I Never Knew Lonely..


Sometimes you must show your emotions, you must reveal your heart and the place it is in...I am all the things I allow myself to be.  I am strong, I am determined, I am capable, I am independent, I am weak, I am wounded,  I am hurt, I deserve a stiff kick in the pants, and a big bear hug, sometimes you need someone  to carry the  sword while you lay your's down and weep.

For my  three pillars... Father, Husband, Mother....this one goes from my heart to yours...

I  Will Remember You...



I finish up my mini concert with Alison Krauss another wonderful harmonizer...when you have people around you who you love and  who share your history and your grief, who will drop everything when you need them...you  need not say anything, be comfortable in the silence, and put your head  on my shoulder...and let the tears fall down, it's ok.
For my lovely Sisters💕....

When You Say Nothing At All




I hope you never shove your feeling down, I hope  you let them out and you experience all of them...how can we know the depth of love if we never feel the sense of loss, loneliness, grief, and the sad distance when that love has left us?

All that noise of life..and then there was silence...fill it with song.