Ghosts of Christmas's Past

ell its not official yet..
But it's in the running for worst holiday,,,lol And possibly my last.  I understand why my Mom was like she was the more I walk in her shoes,  I mean she had me when she was 30 so I didn't connect with the "woman" she was till I grew to be the age I knew her at.  She had way more of everything at this age than I will ever have.  I'm not speaking of "things" Im speaking of wisdom, grace, love, and family.   I didn't know it till now.  Each year reveals more of her to me as I walk in those shoes.  Mom you amazed me, then you left me.  

There is just this huge hole in my life...I can't seem to fill it.  What can you replace love, understanding, companionship, and devotion with?  You just can't.  It withers, dries, and blows in the wind.  I look at these trees and I hear her words, about how they are singing.  But to me the song is a sad serenade.  The title to the song is "If Only I had KNOWN then what KNOW now."  The past 3 Christmas's I started out with tears...in 2018 Mom was in CO with my sisters forced to go there against her will...I was part of that sadly.  Then my son decided he wanted to argue with me,  he lost his job, then the domino effect he lost his apartment, and you know how that goes, and he had been living with me since Sept of that year, so I told him I want  you to find another place to live...he left THAT DAY we had not even opened up our gifts...

Then last Christmas mom passed away before it arrived...sadly 3 of us sat around her table and it was not like Christmas at all...and this year I didn't even bother to decorate the house.  I put the 3 skiers out and 2 days later I put them back in the box.  They represented a family unity that is broken.  And so when I looked at them I only felt more loss.  So the last time I had Christmas with my Mom was 2016 ? She was in CO 2017, and 2018 too.  Since Blogger went haywire and Flickr deleted all my old photos I can't seem to search my blog and find those posts.  

One Christmas we went up to my Sisters home when she lived upstate,  Me, Mom, my X was there and my Sis and her Husband, my Son and his girlfriend.  He gave us the most precious gift...it was a herd of Elephants...They ranged in size from large to small and he passed them out in order of our age.  Mom got the biggest one, my Husband got the next biggest my older sis got the next one, I got the next,  baby sis got the next and my son got the smallest one.  Elephants keep the memory of all their loved ones in their memory  in their hearts and they grieve for years of the loss of one of them.  

As we pass we are to pass our elephant on to the next person who has a large elephant..MY Husband's elephant should have gone to Mom when he passed, but somehow he lost his elephant and we could not find it when we finalized his his belongings.  Of course my Mom's elephant sat right next to mine for many years, and so her Elephant went to my sisters house, and she should of received John's elephant also.  So Im on the look for a Chrystal elephant,,,,two actually because my son has no idea where his is, so in the end the person with the most elephants is the saddest of all...

                                                     4th in line,,,

So bummer end to a bummer year, my son is supposed to be here today we could not agree on the time, I don't know what I was thinking Im still living with the Ghosts of Christmas Past....when we got up early and it was non stop laughter, gifts, food and fun....so I wanted to start at 10, he said 2 pm...so then we settled on 12 noon, but now it's 11 and Im not even able to speak in full sentences yet so I texted and said 2 pm is fine...hope he sees it, I figured he would be an hour late anyways that is normal M.O. I wish I could find those old photos of the elephants I may have them in a photo album somewhere..

Next year I hope Im traveling on the road and can avoid this whole Blue Christmas routine.  Ho Ho letting go...