Do you believe in

IZZARDS N THINGS?

The power of words.  I have this entitlement feeling that I should be able to say what I think.  Along with that comes some responsibility. But I enjoy being able to put my feelings into words.  The trouble is some words spoken bring worry to others.  That is never my intention,,,so sometimes I have to clarify.  

I used to subscribe to a blogger...he called himself a mystic.  He studied Taoism and he practiced this notion of SHE/HER guided his actions by giving him "hints".  He lived in various vehicles and moved around the country mostly in the west and lived a nomadic life...but when things got hard he would go to his family.  I think they were supporting him.  He had written many self help books on getting rid of the self.  In other words the self is the ego.  But he struggled with many things.  I was not always able to decipher his meaning, I am a realist and sometimes I don't get it if you're using  symbolism, or metaphoric sentences rather than just coming right out and saying..."This is what I believe."  

A few times he gave away all his belongings and went back to his home state to stay with family.  There was a few deaths in his family and he inherited some money and used it as seed money to get back into the nomadic lifestyle.  Some of the people he spent time with I had been in touch with via email and blogging.  So I inquired if he seemed okay was he coping well with  life.  He just gave away all his belongs which were few.  The answers I got was "who knows".   Is anyone really ok?  

So then he hurt his back but I don't know how.   I had not been able to make a connection with his writing so I had sort of stopped reading.   But I think he had a wreck and destroyed the vehicle...and ended up with a smaller but newer vehicle to live in,,,,but he had pain and I think he may have gotten onto pain killers as so many do.  

He kept trying to write his books about letting go of the self, and he felt he had been able to do that.  

In August he posted a blog called, See You Soon, and it was posted on Aug 28th  2017.  Unfortunately since the update of Blogger when I click on his blog it won't open it says it does not exist.  But the first paragraph I can still read and I copy here below:
 NEAR LA BARGE, WY August 28, 2017 11:48 AM Having accomplished in this incarnation all that I had set out to do (spiritual awakening in 2009 and writing Mystical Oneness last year), I left this planet on the morning of August 31, 2017 at one of my favorite camps along....

And that is all I can see...but it went on to say that he  has reached a point where pain controls his life and he has made the decision to end it,,it is his suicide note.  The day that blog posted I didn't read it that day, or the next, or even the next but after Labor Day I did.  AND I immediately contacted people who he knew in person.  And yes they confirmed Wayne had been found in his vehicle dead.  He had been threatened with having his vehicle repossessed and the constant pain was destroying his peace of mind and so used the pain killers to leave this earth.  

Not long ago I made the statement and have a few times, when I went to sleep I repeated to myself, "I hope I don't wake up in the morning." for I want to die in my sleep.  I don't know that I would have the courage to do what Wayne did.  It bothered me for a long time.  I did eventually get past it.  But when I say I hope I don't wake up that's not a suicide note,,,that is me saying allow nature to takes its course and I'm at peace with that.   I am very disillusioned these days and at best if I stay healthy I have 20 yrs to go? But who knows, no one unless you have decided as Wayne did and you know the day of your death. 

You can get your affairs in order and just be done,,,you can struggle and hang onto the very last breath, or you can just be at peace with it when it happens.  I don't know why I chose this morbid talk to have with you today except if all goes as planned I will be having my blood drawn at 7:45 am Monday morning, Dec 14th 2020...and that same evening the Electoral College we all hate will give us the decision that will affect our lives for the next 4 yrs.  BUT then I got to thinking of the day I went to have broken tooth repaired and came away with permanent nerve damage when the Dentist jabbed a needle right thru my Lingual Nerve....SO I decided if the tech has no experience I will not be subjected to her attempting again and again to find a vein in my arm.  I will calmly tell her NO. Forget it.  And then I will relate the story of my damaged nerve. And walk out. 

It was warm today I did cut some wood and I have my fire ready to light when the chill becomes uncomfortable in here.  The next project I plan to work on is washing my windows outside...this house has sooo many windows and each one has a screen.  They do tilt in and some I will do that way but some have issues and I will do them outside.  I will start with the 2 in the dining room.  A person with long term plans is not getting ready to check out.  So allow people to voice their emotions and ask them to clarify.