IT's a ...

ASTELAND...

Talking about the my original blog...it has changed over the years, it began as a one paragraph post mostly with one photo when I lived in NYC...and it was on Yahoo...they closed down then I moved to a couple other blog servers, Multiply, My Space, and maybe one more then I came to Blogger.  My readership has dwindled to only one or two comments a post and views of less than 20...hardly is worth the time and the trouble...I tried Instagram, that is for Influencers, of which I am not...Im just an older female trying to stay in some sort of social loop because my "real" loop has died off and I don't have the emotional energy to rebuild it. I am officially a Hermitress.  I don't like being around people, I get anxious when I am and even family I yearn for my alone time so I can console myself and just be left to allow my thoughts to wader off where they may. 

For most of my life my focus was on my family...I helped each one when in need not just once but many times....they have helped me too...we used to be a very tight knit group. 

I spent the past 13 yrs devoted almost entirely to helping my mom navigate her golden years...then the past 3 of that learning to live without her in my life....I sheared off personal friendships because I had no time to devote to that.  I only had one close friend who was not being honest about herself, she was trying to be one personality for me, and another for the other people in her life which to me was a signal for me to exit...and I did. I released her from that pressure, and released myself too. I cant be whom I am not and can't image someone doing that for my benefit, her way of dealing with the life she was dealt I guess. 

Then my Mom passed away, both sisters left, we stay in touch but I feel so far out of that loop it's like they are blood sisters and I am the adopted sister?  I accept that...it still creates a nagging feeling of pain and hurt. 

So I had this little group of online friends via the blog, just a little tiny support group...and now its down to the occasional  comment...I step on toes, Im political, I have opinions etc...some followers have health issues and they are no longer able to blog or even follow along, others lost interest, and my posts have become like carbon copies of each other so I plan to try a different approach and then let it go...there will be no Phoenix. I am not interested in conforming any longer.  Once it was important.  I guess I have either come into my own, or I have finally cut all ties with my fellow human beings and just said Fuck it. 

I actually enjoy keeping this blog as it is my dumping ground...a place to leave my nuclear waste, my barrels of toxic emotions and feelings, and the layers of complexity all in one place.  Maybe I should re title it the Wasteland...

And now Im going to share a story that has been circling my mind since the roe v wade rebellion.