The Sun

ENT BLACK..and I can't get it back...

I feel so low today like all the way down low.  The rash is still here and now my throat is on fire.  I guess Im sick? My sickness seems to be coming from my soul...the Navajo call it soul sickness and I think I have it.  If only a crystal shaker could cure me, if only a Sing could be done for me to make it go away...if only the Rattle of Bones worked.  We have to have faith to believe in such things.  I have none. 

Oct 4th my mom's birthday, Oct 5th our dearly departed friend Nettie's birthday, and my husband's death date Oct 6...3 solid days of miserable loss remembered. 

I think this week marred by memory of so much  loss finally took its toll as I slept in my Benadryl induced coma last night...I woke up just as the sun turned the entire air around me the palest shade of red sooo slight it barely measured on the spectrum.  In that moment I dreaded taking my next breath...I wanted to hold my breath and just let that slight shade of red be the last thing my eyes would ever behold...but then my chest rose and I so I cried. Not because I was glad that moment passed but because I knew I had to take yet another and another and with each one more pain would come my way...and days passing may bring more loss.

If the losses already endured put me here where will the next one put me?  I dont' have fear of dying I have fear of living.  More pain more loss, more life vanishing before my eyes, unable to stop the swift demise of those I hold dear and my very reason for existing in the first place. Where is this God we all need who never shows  up?

OH to never look back but now I feel I am walking with my back towards the Sun as I only see the past and cant imagine the future the one where half of what I lived for no longer exists.  

My sister said she felt weary, I yearn to reach the day where I feel nothing at all.  

I know if anyone is reading this they are now shaking their head and saying "she finally has gone  insane", are we all not just a little insane?  We must be how else could we just keep breathing when we really don't have a reason to?

I need a reason to wake up tomorrow....and as it stands now if I left the surly bonds of Earth today 3 would stand round my grave.
Please don't let me one of those 3 left to stand.