HOW long do you plan to live?

ELL

It's Friday again and I have very little to show for this week of my life...no projects, no lessons learned, no inspiration to speak of and just plain feel like I wasted another 7 days of living on the planet.  

Do  you ever get that feeling like what was I supposed to be doing?  It was gloomy for 3 days and when it's gloomy I am gloomy.  I am  def Earth/Sky person so I want to see the Sky and then be part of the Earth...when the sky is not present neither am I or I just feel like Im in stasis.  

I try to learn something every single day but some of the stuff I learn is just useless gibble, I just made that word up please use if you like.  I tried to get inspired to plant seeds and so I did but my heart was just blah..I was not seeing the end result I was just planting a seed.  I thought "hope I live long enough to see this grow." I tried to go exploring in nature, and I just felt blah...nothing  inspired me.  The trees look sad, the flowers are fading the butterflies are leaving, and the hummingbirds are only occasionally sipping a little sugar water as they get ready to leave me here with winter. 

My sis wrote me and she said she is sad to see the flowers she tended so lovingly all summer die off as the cold approaches her home in Colorado.  I understand for sure at least I have Camelia flowers to look forward to and with climate change she will probably get more snow than normal and that means she will be locked up inside like I have been all summer waiting on the humidity to leave...It comes and goes right now...today it is here present and accounted for.  She will be waiting out the ice the snow and cold.  

Yesterday I went to the cemetery to see my mom...and I saw some new graves and stones had been added since my last visit.  More and more the birthdates on those stones are getting closer and closer to my own birth year.  I'm used to seeing birth years in the late 1920's and 30's now it's the late 40's which is getting closer and closer to my 50's.  

I think Im in resigned mode.  Im resigned to "this was my life" and "now it's nearly over." IF I'm extremely lucky I got 20 left but  to be honest my heart jumps and spits and pauses like an old Pontiac in desperate need of a tune up...so I kinda doubt 20 is in the cards for me. 

One lady whose blog I read is 80 and taking some sort of cancer treatment?? Why? TBH I have decided not to seek treatment for cancer unless it's an easily operative tumor.  Chemo or radiation at this stage in my life  seems redundant. Most people who get a cancer diagnosis have 5-7 yrs to live without treatment, with treatment the number is not much more... and it's constant dr visits, blood work, a failing insurance system to deal with and wearing your family to a frazzle in a state of  constant hope and let down.   If they are young and otherwise healthy sure, but getting into 70 or 80 it seems like you will spend those last few years in more misery due to side effects of the treatments...and in the USA dealing with a crooked insurance system that only wants your money and they don't want to pay your claims...I'd rather spend those years doing what I WANT to do and being my best self from one day to the next. 
 
Did you know life expectancy in the USA now is 78.5, in the UK it's 81.2 and in Canada it's 81.95 or basically 82.  JUST living in the USA shaves about 4 yrs off  your life.  Since I was always self employed I rarely had health insurance.  But Im not a huge believer in early screening.  The private provider health insurance racket in this country is like this, when I was younger, say in my 30's I would sign onto a policy with a huge freaking deductible, say $1500...and then I could afford monthly payments at least for 6 months, then at that time they would raise my rate...see they think they have you now...I never or rarely ever used my health insurance.  NO screenings, no surgeries, no testing, no ER visits unless I had an injury....so I think I came to the conclusion that testing is something I can not afford and to be honest I can't. So I never kept health insurance for much more a few months at a time and in the end I gave up and now I have Medicare, and to be honest I've thought about cancelling it...but I know now nearing the end of my life I could still run up a huge bill if I don't just drop dead which is my hope.  

So if I can't afford the test I sure as hell can't afford the treatment!

Anyways that's my take on it. So to be or not to be that is the Question..