Life's Puzzles...

ENT CEMETERING ON MY OWN TODAY...

However it way more fun with a companion for sure...I am about over my "hurt" spell...not that many years ago I had an ah-ha moment in my life and it comes up every now and then...I've always called myself the black sheep of the family and I didn't even know why but then one day it dawned on me, it was years of emotional shunning. 

First before I go any further let me say I love my family more than anything...no one intentionally did anything to hurt me, but this is what happened...

So I have to go back to even before my father died, I was about 9 or 10 my oldest sister who is 5 yrs older was never the age to be my play mate or even my friend when I was 5 she was 10.  Then the youngest one is 3 yrs younger than me...I ended up having her tag along on whatever I was doing and I was not the right kid to be teaching another kid how to behave, cause I was and still am a badass...LOL 

So what happened is my older sis became a Jehovah's Witness, which is a cult completely...BUT at the time it was considered a Church.  So one thing they believe is to not associate with worldly people who were not under the discipline of the "fold".  I have never fully believed in God, so when my sister tried to indoctrinate me, I refused, and so it was that she just stopped communicating with me as a sister.  She would say "Pass the salt or Im telling Mom, or I don't care what you think"...but she never treated me like a loving older sister.  So I just went my own way at a young age and then I kept an eye out for my younger sister.  

We were friends we played all day together and then when we got a little older we rode horses together we didn't hang out at school she was behind me, just enough that we were never on the same campus together, but we rode the bus and she sat with me...then we moved into town and she and I walked to school and my older sis would drop us off and pick us up on her way to do the "Pioneering" which is the door knocking thing and leaving the Awake and Watchtower magazines...My young sis and I  were pals...we had our seperate school friends and we got along pretty well...but then.

She got indoctrinated (you will be assimilated) and so they both were now Jehovah's Witnesses, and they both ignored me...I was a worldly person. So I was shunned and that is when I just escaped into my own world even farther and never asked anyone anything, I just muddled thru life the best I could and Mom was busy trying to keep us fed, pay the rent and work, she was no help to a kid who was in need of feeling loved...

So it wasn't till both of them finally dropped out of that church that I got my sisters back by that time I was already married, they each had a failed marriage behind them, and I had a husband to be my friend  so it was still another 10 yrs before we became close again...They never wished me a happy birthday my whole life till I was  in my 40's So that is why I call myself the Black Sheep.  I don't resent that, it was just the way it was, when you're going thru something like that and you're a willful kid and you don't ask questions you are not seeing the big picture.  

For me it was just a way of life...but one day the light bulb went off in my mind and I understood why I left home at 16 and why I didn't reunite with my family till I was 21 yrs old, and why I ended up trying so hard to get their love and attention...
My Mom who had a very personal relationship with God, never wanted to be a Jehovah's Witness either...We both sensed it was not a good thing. 

For my sisters I think it was their way of belonging...they were part of something and they had rules and they thought they were doing the right thing.  They found a family that had more pieces than the struggling family we were born into...poverty, alcoholism, constantly having to start over.  There was stability in the Church, so yes I can see what attracted them into it.  

I guess even as a child I just didn't want to be controlled so I stood my ground.  So there you have another piece of my puzzle.