A case of the BLAHs

HAT DAY IS IT?

Seriously that is what I ask myself each morning when I wake up...I try to orient to time.  I think I have lost my zest for caring right now...if the sun shines it's too hot to go outside, if it doesn't shine it's too humid.  Gas is too high to for van rides, and my hip hurts too much to enjoy being cramped up in the van...the more I move the less stiff I get, but I am no shark I cant keep moving...so I ask again. have I lost my zest? 

So to make the day go faster I spend a lot of time just mindless reading online, there is only a couple of bloggers I still read and I just zoom to the end skipping over most of it, and the same with the Youtuber's I was following most I have unsubscribed to...for one reason or another.  I was enjoying this one cross country bike trip these senior ladies were doing then they had some bad roadside experiences so they called it quits on that, and to be honest the music they play is like I'm in a nightclub...its horrible.  I really wanted to say, "do you really have to play any music?"  I'd rather hear the sound of the crunch of the gravel on the ground or the birds as they move along...But instead we get this corny music...so much so it's not fun.  The last one actually had this salsa vibe and I just hit the end button.  

I read a lot of political baloney and that only gets me angry.  Everyone is going thru something I totally get it, one girl who I found via a rare bird alert ended up with cancer...I felt she was foolish to even fight it...honestly.  There is  no cure, the cure kills most in a 5 yr timeframe which is about how long you can survive without treatment...Now she has completely destroyed her quality of life and it really blows for her.  I feel horrible for her.  

My son wanted to go unload the pile of crap we have on the trailer from the fallen tree.  I just didn't feel up to fighting the heat...I don't have to do any of the work, he said Just ride with me, he is not covered on my insurance to drive to the van...So I would drive and he would unload but it's Saturday....THE worst day in the world to even try to get up to the yard debris bins...So I said no lets go on Tuesday...I did not want to go. 

I think I have a case of the  BLAHS!

HOW long do you plan to live?

ELL

It's Friday again and I have very little to show for this week of my life...no projects, no lessons learned, no inspiration to speak of and just plain feel like I wasted another 7 days of living on the planet.  

Do  you ever get that feeling like what was I supposed to be doing?  It was gloomy for 3 days and when it's gloomy I am gloomy.  I am  def Earth/Sky person so I want to see the Sky and then be part of the Earth...when the sky is not present neither am I or I just feel like Im in stasis.  

I try to learn something every single day but some of the stuff I learn is just useless gibble, I just made that word up please use if you like.  I tried to get inspired to plant seeds and so I did but my heart was just blah..I was not seeing the end result I was just planting a seed.  I thought "hope I live long enough to see this grow." I tried to go exploring in nature, and I just felt blah...nothing  inspired me.  The trees look sad, the flowers are fading the butterflies are leaving, and the hummingbirds are only occasionally sipping a little sugar water as they get ready to leave me here with winter. 

My sis wrote me and she said she is sad to see the flowers she tended so lovingly all summer die off as the cold approaches her home in Colorado.  I understand for sure at least I have Camelia flowers to look forward to and with climate change she will probably get more snow than normal and that means she will be locked up inside like I have been all summer waiting on the humidity to leave...It comes and goes right now...today it is here present and accounted for.  She will be waiting out the ice the snow and cold.  

Yesterday I went to the cemetery to see my mom...and I saw some new graves and stones had been added since my last visit.  More and more the birthdates on those stones are getting closer and closer to my own birth year.  I'm used to seeing birth years in the late 1920's and 30's now it's the late 40's which is getting closer and closer to my 50's.  

I think Im in resigned mode.  Im resigned to "this was my life" and "now it's nearly over." IF I'm extremely lucky I got 20 left but  to be honest my heart jumps and spits and pauses like an old Pontiac in desperate need of a tune up...so I kinda doubt 20 is in the cards for me. 

One lady whose blog I read is 80 and taking some sort of cancer treatment?? Why? TBH I have decided not to seek treatment for cancer unless it's an easily operative tumor.  Chemo or radiation at this stage in my life  seems redundant. Most people who get a cancer diagnosis have 5-7 yrs to live without treatment, with treatment the number is not much more... and it's constant dr visits, blood work, a failing insurance system to deal with and wearing your family to a frazzle in a state of  constant hope and let down.   If they are young and otherwise healthy sure, but getting into 70 or 80 it seems like you will spend those last few years in more misery due to side effects of the treatments...and in the USA dealing with a crooked insurance system that only wants your money and they don't want to pay your claims...I'd rather spend those years doing what I WANT to do and being my best self from one day to the next. 
 
Did you know life expectancy in the USA now is 78.5, in the UK it's 81.2 and in Canada it's 81.95 or basically 82.  JUST living in the USA shaves about 4 yrs off  your life.  Since I was always self employed I rarely had health insurance.  But Im not a huge believer in early screening.  The private provider health insurance racket in this country is like this, when I was younger, say in my 30's I would sign onto a policy with a huge freaking deductible, say $1500...and then I could afford monthly payments at least for 6 months, then at that time they would raise my rate...see they think they have you now...I never or rarely ever used my health insurance.  NO screenings, no surgeries, no testing, no ER visits unless I had an injury....so I think I came to the conclusion that testing is something I can not afford and to be honest I can't. So I never kept health insurance for much more a few months at a time and in the end I gave up and now I have Medicare, and to be honest I've thought about cancelling it...but I know now nearing the end of my life I could still run up a huge bill if I don't just drop dead which is my hope.  

So if I can't afford the test I sure as hell can't afford the treatment!

Anyways that's my take on it. So to be or not to be that is the Question..

Its time for...

Inter cold...

Its not winter yet but it sure is cold enough to call it winter.  My fireplace is not cutting it right now so I have the gas on also, for a while to get it warm.  Today was not my finest day.  I slept poorly so been dragging all day...in a mental fog also. 

It's one of those days I felt that all the other people on this planet are only put here to annoy me.  Petty and lame eh?

I had to do some returns of a few items I had purchased.  I waited in line a long time to return the items, and I was people watching.  I think people watching is a little like bird watching.  My mind**She is wearing a really ugly wig, he has tufts of hair coming out his ears, how can she walk in those shoes, those nails omg**....Yeah. 

I could hear that sound that is still in my van.  The brakes are working so much better tho..so Im happy I had that done,  And it could be a cupped tire..it seems to have gotten louder after I had the tire rotation.

I noticed Trump is now saying Barr has not looked over any evidence (because there is NONE)  and when asked if he had lost confidence in Barr, he said "we'll see over the next couple weeks"...OMG so in other words DO my bidding or else.  Any President who threatens the Attorney General that way is a total crook.  And people in Georgia trying to force their AG to come up with some kind of Suddenly found fraud.  NO freaking way.  Giving threats to election poll workers, Any State that bends to these threats should be investigated, even crooked Lindsey Graham said "put up or shut up" basically today.  He said, "Making a video saying there is fraud, is not evidence" I guess he started to feel the heat of his own ridiculous sherrade. 

So Obama, Clinton, and Bush are going to get the vaccine asa it's released...hmmm guess we will be watching to see how they do.  

So Friday again wonder if the jerk neighbors will decide to have another party??  I wish I had a skyrocket....they are quite loud.  Sometimes I think Im marking off my life one Friday at a time.