Done...

ell I think it's good enough...

...it's hitting most of my wish list of what I could do with what I had to work with...

 This is the front.

Im not in a good mood tonight...I feel very deflated...I was excited about our Thanksgiving meal,  for my son and myself tomorrow and he goes and starts an argument...in a text...I hate texting...so I said if you want to talk come over and lets talk Im not doing the texting thing...and he just didn't answer and didn't come...
I just want to get into my higher headroom van and drive away....I don't think life at this age is supposed to be this  hard. Im tired of being a parent, I just want to be a person again.  Love should not hurt. But I texted him and said Dinner is at 3 be here at 1 to help cook, he replied "ok"...

And this is the back and storage shelf I made on that side...the other side I put up some temporary pockets I want to do them differently when the fabric store gets more of the grey material...

I don't even feel like writing, You know I get disillusioned very easily.  Tomorrow is the day we should give Thanks...there is a lot going on in my life that I don't talk about because it involves other people...but this year all I did was GIVE GIVE GIVE...and some who should be thankful are not.  It makes me want to give up.  I've never been a quitter, but when I do it's a done deal.  

I've been surfing youtube since dinner trying to find something interesting..everybody was boring tonight.  I needed more I think.   Cole the Cornstar doing office work and laundry, Chrome of Vancity Vanlife did  yet another Gear video...IM so like done with that...Forestry Forest making Turkey in a crockpot, even SUV'rving did another van tour...anyways I got no tour only my top to show.  

Im still in a bad mood..I want to be thankful, I want to really feel it...but I feel whipped.  This year has sucked so much and I am trying to find something positive to inject.  I recall the year I "ran away from home" my first Thanksgiving in NYC alone.  I had to work 2-10 on the ambulance.  I was still living in the city it was just post 9/11 and all that horror still fresh in my mind...by this time just making ends meet was my priority.  I didn't have the luxury of  choices I had only one choice...work my ass off or starve and end up on the street. 

So I always walked the 14 blocks to catch the L train on First Ave. There was a diner just across the street....It was Thanksgiving I could get time and a half for working that day so it was a no brainer for me.. I left early and walked up and had a turkey dinner at the diner before heading to work.  I never felt Thankful that day I felt alone and defeated.  I missed my family but I wanted to try and see if my life had meaning other than family...It did and in the end it did not.  

I had tears in my mashed potatoes that day and I should of just walked over and got on the bus and let it take me to Port Authority and got on Greyhound headed south...I should of done that.  I had only been gone 7 months at that time...

After I moved to Brooklyn I needed a car again, I sold mine when I moved to Manhattan in May 2001.  But by Feb of 2002 I moved to Brooklyn in a studio by the Atlantic Ocean.  I lived by the Ocean till I moved back to SC late in 2006.  So my husband had told me that our son who had sold his car, then bought this car he could not afford, lost it back to the bank, my husband said "Im not paying that kind of money for a silly car." and I agreed...what kind of Bank would make a loan to a college kid with no job?  Anyway he told me he found this little car for $800 would I go  halves on it with him and I did...BUT as luck would have it my husbands truck was stolen....SO he had to get another truck for  himself...and then a week later they found his truck....SO he gave that to our son it was a little better than the little $800 Mercury we bought for him. 

So I asked Husband what about the little car?  He said, "if you want it come and get it."

So one night when I finished my shift at 11 PM I took the train and a bus to Port Authority wearing my uniform and with NO luggage, and got on a bus headed to SC.  I rode the bus all night long sleeping on and off mostly off...and I changed buses in Florence, SC took one more bus to my hometown and my Mom picked me up at 1pm.  I had been on the bus for about 14 hrs and was exhausted...she let me wear some of her clothes and I washed my uniform and on Sunday I began the long drive back to NY in the little Mercury.   It overheated 11 miles later.  I called my son he came put water in it told me to let it cool down and add water each time and it'd be fine...
I watched that tempt gage for 680 miles and 13 hrs later I parked on the street by my studio.  I loved that car and it became my Family...That little car saved me....I didn't have to take the train no long walks to and from at midnight and no bus rides no bike riding to the grocery stores on my day off and it was like my chariot. 

When I needed to be close to my family Id go sit in my car...it was Home to me. 
I did a stupid thing and sold it for a bigger better car when I moved back to SC, I sure missed that little car it was my safe place. Today I wanted to sit in my little car and feel something, and be Thankful again. 

                                                The little Mercury, my safe haven.