Stuck for words

HEN IT TAKES 5 MINS...

to write one word, maybe  I shouldn't be writing?

I actually popped a bag of microwave popcorn...I had sworn off the stuff a few years ago, and I gave up chips trying to loose a few lbs but I don't see a change yet.  The popcorn was left over from the movie nights my son and I were having...that doesn't happen any more and there was 3 bags left in the box, so I said wth may as well try it.  I don't like palm oil.  I read all the ingredients of things I buy and IF I can find one without palm oil I will get that one. 

Today I only cried twice, so far...not bad for an old lady who is spiraling down faster than a post hole digger.  We rented one of those things long years ago, when we first started digging this homestead out of 3 acres of woods. My husband on one side and me on the other we dug  500 holes....or so it seems.  I had a horse and we wanted to get more so the first thing we did once we got the house settled was clear some land and put up a fence, I now call that my field or pasture.  We had as many as 4 horses at one time but no grazer on it other than deer for over 20 yrs now. I have been here with the exception of the nearly 7 yrs in NY for almost 44 yrs. 

I was just a young girl when we moved here 24 yrs old...and in 2 yrs I will be 70.  

I really find that so hard to believe.  I thought I would do so much more with my life, my time on Earth than I have.  Once you summit 50 time seems to go into warp speed. 

Today I worked out by my shed sanding my yard chairs for the next layer of paint that's a yearly thing when you live in humidity...if you don't paint it rots.   And since I came in about noon my eye has been burning like crazy I washed it out a few times already...but I have no clue if something flew into my eye during the sanding, I did not feel it happen.  Im sanding by hand. 

My mental health:

Today I realized I was very happy during the 13 yrs I lived with my Mom.  We got along for the most part very well.  I have been reading back thru my old journals and I did do some complaining about not getting the help I had expected from the rest of the family like being able to go on travels, but for the most part it was a very positive time in my life...
I really miss that feeling of contentment, and happiness.  I have been doing a lot of thinking of what my plans were and how did it work out.  I'd say I'd have been better off to have had no plan atall.  Seems I just bounced from one non plan path to the next.  Like doing a thru hike and never staying on the trail and never finishing.

The stages of grief:

Right now Im in  all of them at once.  One is denial, then anger,  followed by bargaining, depression and finally acceptance....but lets put it this way a 4 whammie loss one right behind the other...leaves you in mental deep doodoo.

My x who I had so much love for died in 2018, he suffered from early onset dementia, his older son from a previous marriage poisoned him against me, and before you know it he had made that son his power of attorney, and then within a week he filed for a divorce from me.  I was in the end forced to buy him out or lose the homestead. I did buy him out and after one year of him living alone since the son promised he would come live with him in VA, (that never happened), my x was penniless when that son removed him  from the checking account and had him declared incompetent...and the rest is horrible history.  Needless to say I will never speak to that stepson again as long as I live. He never even came to his father's funeral!!! And never even sent flowers...AND never paid for the funeral either.  My family paid for his funeral.  In his will he had left everything to my son, but the evil son had taken over everything and had dismantled it all before my x died...so there was Nothing left to Inherit.

Mom died one year later in 2019, I really thought she would make it to 100, she was 95, then my sweet little Casey, he was only a dog, but dammit he was special...and in Jan of this yr my son took me out of  his life.  I will not go into his problems, as dragging someone's else's club is not a good thing...but he wants no part of me in his life because I am still clinging to the person I wanted him to be...is how he put it. 

I had no idea I was doing such a thing and honestly he is wrong.  I am currently the only person left for him to blame and hate so that is how it goes...
So the 2018 loss Im in stage 5,
the 2019 loss Im in stage 4, 

the 2020 loss Im in stage 4
and the 2021 loss Im in stage 1...

Ok make that 3 times now on the tears...it may sound like Im feeling sorry for myself...and yes I am, I was handling it pretty good for a few months then it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

And to put the last cherry on the top both my sisters live 1800 miles away and I haven't seen them in well over a year and the oldest one I really doubt she will ever make the trip here again.  

Both my dogs Annie and Floss are now 13 they are not in the best of shape, they are 91 in dog years.  So traveling with them right now would put a hardship on them.  Neither of them can jump in or out of the van without help and I cant lift them anymore they are both about 60 lbs.  And if I outlive them I will be right back at stage one again.  

OK fine, where is the bright side?

Are we There Yet?

HAT TIME IS IT?

It's still early I woke up early again...the new me needs less sleep and is tired all day..hmmm

Not liking the new me much the one year older me, the one who seems to spend more time thinking about what I would rather be doing.  I guess we are all like that I haven't ran into one person who says OH I LOVE MY LIFE...why is it we humans can't get to happy and stay there?? 

I will say this I think much of our unhappiness comes from outside us, I disagree with some phycologists when they say you create your own inner peace.  OK yes IF we are left to it...but if we are constantly being interrupted by the outside world, the answer is to move to a deserted island? HEY WILSON...that guy was not exactly happy either.  Happiness is a state of mind...for sure.  So only the most vile self center sob could just seal him/her self off from the events of today and the people around them and think only of themself and how They are, and  to hell with everyone else, is that the happy one?? NO thank you I sure don't want to be that person. 

Yes I want tranquility and serenity, but if someone in my circle is not happy, then I'm not happy! That is just the way it is.  Yes you can and I have removed  unhappy seed planters, but if it's your family or even your extended family how can you do that?  Even homeless people on the street will speak to you about their family the ones who have given up on them because they tried everything...trust me they are still emotionally connected.

I have an example...when I worked EMS in Queens NY...we got numerous calls for ETOH abuse.  Alcoholics living on the street...eating from garbage cans and hand outs and they would take what they got pool it, and go into the liquor store and buy one bottle as big as their combined coins would buy then they pass it around.  If they had a bad day with no money for food or drink they would call an ambulance and say they had a seizure.  They probably did have a seizure because alcohol passes through the blood/brain barrier, and it depletes the brain of sugar and this is the energy of the brain...when your sugar goes too low you could have a seizure.  

Most of these guys were what we called frequent fliers.  Meaning weekly transports...etc.  And many we knew by name.  One such guy, who was one of my frequent fliers, was a man in his 30's his name was Leon.  He hung outside the liquor store or on that corner...he was homeless and he had nothing more than what was on his back.  He held no possessions at all.  He would sleep on a bench cover up with discarded newspapers, and he hung with others sometimes to pool resources.  He often spoke of a sister who he had lived with but she had a family and she could not take him in any longer...I can only imagine the pain she went through watching her brother destroy himself.  

He said he had been married at one time he was a  construction worker but as far as how he got to this point I did not know. I'm sure it happened gradually and even he was not aware of what was happening as the life  he once had fell away second by second day by day.  Often the people around you are powerless to help.  If they have no money to get you into treatment, there is little free treatment that works and is long term, and fails to follow up and then...relapse...it's the revolving door policy but that does not cure the sick. 

I don't know when this country decided to do away with proper mental health care?  Anyways back to Leon's story...he was quite a sight to behold his face was so red he looked sunburned year round...his eyes tho a nice blue were yellowed from jaundice of liver disease...as well as most of his skin.   He smelled really bad...in fact we used to put on a mask  when around him because the smell was so offensive. 

There was a pay phone Leon used to phone us and we would generally pick him up there and take him to Jamaica hospital.  It would come over dispatch as this "the seizure at Jamaica and Myrtle, see Leon at the pay phone."  That's how much of regular he was... he would be given a meal to eat...probably an IV with dextrose for his sugar, and sometimes a shower...depending on the nurse he got but he would be given his same dirty clothes to put back on when he was released sometimes that same day depending on how busy they were.  The staff always wanted to call family to pick him up but he always refused and left to find his way back to his corner alone.  At one time he had a bike...some other guy knocked him out and took it a couple years ago...and he still grumbled about that stolen bike.  

One Christmas I had a decent partner for a change and he said I have an idea....so we went to a bakery and bought a flat of donuts and 2 large coffees.  We drove down to the pay phone and there was Leon and his mates all hanging out some were sober or as sober as they get since it was early in the day...We  got out and passed out donuts and poured coffee into cups for them...that was my MOST favorite Christmas memory of the almost 7 years I spent in NYC...I recall Leon saying Merry Christmas to us and he really meant it, as he  devoured the precocious sugar his brain and body needed. 

It put tears on my face and it was the last time I saw Leon!  He actually died in the hospital not long after that...what I heard was he was transported to the ER and they put him in an isolation room.  They did not give him proper treatment and he had a massive seizure and died.   I was really sad when I learned of that.  I could only imagine how devastated his family was as I have felt that loss myself. 

I don't begin to understand just how unhappy you must be to completely destroy yourself like suicide or the slow way like Leon did but just take your most  unhappy day and extrapolate from that...pretty damn sad I say.  This country is sick...we are a sick society.  I think capitalism is at the root of this sadness.  Either we  have too little or we have too much or the struggle to move in either direction is a heavy burden...

The well to do take Something to help them unwind and sleep so they can get up and go it again...the poor use drugs or alcohol to forget they are not where they want to be or living how they want to live.  We have either been or on our way there.  Wish I had some answers I have plenty of questions.  I always think solving the problem is the answer but solve one and another takes it place, it's like soldiers on the battle field one falls another one takes it's place but still a soldier with a battle to fight.

So where are the happy people?   I see all this Christmas crap being put on the shelves of stores and all I can think of is Leon on that corner with powdered sugar on his face saying "Merry Christmas". 

Where are the happy people.....?

Happily Ever After Marriage-

hat makes me happy?  Can I figure out what makes me happy?  Maybe by a process of elimination--take away what makes me unhappy and I should be left in a puddle of bliss, right?  That makes sense to me! So if I take away the things that make me unhappy whats left over is the happy-

All I know is for the most part I'm a happy person.  The very simplest of things makes me happy and brings me joy.  BUT this has changed as I have aged!  I used to be very happy to arrange and be a part of family gatherings...bit by bit that became hard and difficult and did not bring happiness to me personally--my struggle to make others happy made me unhappy...

Now I find that I keep one eye on the clock and breath a sigh of relief when they go home!  Does that mean I dont love my family, cant tolerate them, or that I'm happier when I am NOT with them.  I think the last part is the answer.  I love my family but Im happier when I am not with them--not in demand, not solving group problems, when I have my own needs to take care of and no one else's. 

I have realized that it is when people inject their issues onto me that I become the most UNHappy--I cant solve anyone's problems but my own.
I can't be the quick fix, that makes me unhappy--when I'm in a position where demands are placed on me that I might try to repair someone else's mistakes, oversights, procrastination, or neglect-I get very unhappy!  These type tasks when dumped in my lap depress and suppress me emotionally--SO learning to say NO has helped me to stay happy!

Is that selfishness?  I think it might be, but this is about happiness, not morality, or relationships skills...and since honesty is a big part of happiness- honestly- Im happier when I'm alone and doing whatever I've a mind to and not what I need to do or should do because of family demands.  Thankfully my single child is going to be 30 on his birthday and so my parenting is more about maintenance now.

I am much happier to be separated and almost divorced than I was married.  There were parts of marriage I enjoyed but for the most part I was not happy to be in a marriage.  It was too confining & too much responsibility was put on me, since he took the easier role in the marriage and dumped all the hard parts on me.  Things like taking the lead in all the decision making, overseeing and having to take care of all the daily running of the house, the shopping, all the parenting, teaching our son about the world, money, taxes, insurance, handling all the "difficult" stuff of family life--holiday planning, cooking, decorating, arrangements, everything!! While I was the disciplinarian he was "our sons best friend" so it left me out of the fun stuff entirely. 

Being married to someone like that is like being a single parent of two children!  One who is supposed to be helping, but is only making every process harder by voicing disapproval of how I was handling things while refusing to  help or to handle it himself.  This was psychological abuse but I didn't realize that.  I was doing my best but it was never good enough. I had to face all the hard stuff alone, when it was time for my son to go to college I was so confused and wanted to be sure he got all the grants, scholarships, etc that he was qualified for and my X didn't help with one single thing!  My son was in college for 6 yrs and it was very demanding on me financially, emotionally, and socially.  The X used his lack of education as an excuse for never helping fill out paperwork and not handling the big decisions of our marital life.  All the burden shifted to me and I was not totally prepared for that myself.

So I knew within 10 years I had chosen the wrong partner...but by then I was being dragged along in the river of married life, struggling to raise my son, dealing with running my own business, trying to pay bills, give my son what he needed and in all that mix I lost myself--and I stayed lost for the next 16 yrs. Then suddenly I woke up--came out of the deep sleep that being in an emotionally exhausting marriage had put me in.  It was only in that state of mind that I could remain in the unhappy situation. 

Slowly as my son needed me less I began to recall the parts of life that gave me happiness.  I have always been happiest out in nature, or at the very least interacting in some way...I used to ride horses, hike, ski, camp, bird watch, nature and landscape photography, draw, and spend time with my favorite girl friends. Quite simply I was a Flower Girl who got lost along her way to Shangri~la. 

So now Im happier than Ive been in many years.  It was NOT the people in my life that made me unhappy it was my inability to find that happy zone while trying to make others happy at the same time. These two couldnt exist together in me and the result be happiness.

 I need lots of down/me time!  It took me so long to figure these things out...I took on a lot of guilty thinking-- such as I didn't LOVE my family but that is not true at all I love my family very much, I just cant be everything for them and remain happy--

  So now I can concentrate on what makes me happy and walk away from what brings me unhappiness and find that a state of peace, balance, and harmony  where Im happiest!

When Im out with my camera, exploring, walking my dogs, creating art...IM completely at peace and in a state of bliss...When I have to bend and deal with the demands placed on me by family, society, and social rules I begin to feel stress and then unhappiness sets in until I can get  back to my happy place!

Just figuring out when I am happiest and trying to get to and stay in that state of mind has made a big difference in my life!!  By using the process of elimination, I found what makes me happy by removing what doesn't!!