Stuck for words

HEN IT TAKES 5 MINS...

to write one word, maybe  I shouldn't be writing?

I actually popped a bag of microwave popcorn...I had sworn off the stuff a few years ago, and I gave up chips trying to loose a few lbs but I don't see a change yet.  The popcorn was left over from the movie nights my son and I were having...that doesn't happen any more and there was 3 bags left in the box, so I said wth may as well try it.  I don't like palm oil.  I read all the ingredients of things I buy and IF I can find one without palm oil I will get that one. 

Today I only cried twice, so far...not bad for an old lady who is spiraling down faster than a post hole digger.  We rented one of those things long years ago, when we first started digging this homestead out of 3 acres of woods. My husband on one side and me on the other we dug  500 holes....or so it seems.  I had a horse and we wanted to get more so the first thing we did once we got the house settled was clear some land and put up a fence, I now call that my field or pasture.  We had as many as 4 horses at one time but no grazer on it other than deer for over 20 yrs now. I have been here with the exception of the nearly 7 yrs in NY for almost 44 yrs. 

I was just a young girl when we moved here 24 yrs old...and in 2 yrs I will be 70.  

I really find that so hard to believe.  I thought I would do so much more with my life, my time on Earth than I have.  Once you summit 50 time seems to go into warp speed. 

Today I worked out by my shed sanding my yard chairs for the next layer of paint that's a yearly thing when you live in humidity...if you don't paint it rots.   And since I came in about noon my eye has been burning like crazy I washed it out a few times already...but I have no clue if something flew into my eye during the sanding, I did not feel it happen.  Im sanding by hand. 

My mental health:

Today I realized I was very happy during the 13 yrs I lived with my Mom.  We got along for the most part very well.  I have been reading back thru my old journals and I did do some complaining about not getting the help I had expected from the rest of the family like being able to go on travels, but for the most part it was a very positive time in my life...
I really miss that feeling of contentment, and happiness.  I have been doing a lot of thinking of what my plans were and how did it work out.  I'd say I'd have been better off to have had no plan atall.  Seems I just bounced from one non plan path to the next.  Like doing a thru hike and never staying on the trail and never finishing.

The stages of grief:

Right now Im in  all of them at once.  One is denial, then anger,  followed by bargaining, depression and finally acceptance....but lets put it this way a 4 whammie loss one right behind the other...leaves you in mental deep doodoo.

My x who I had so much love for died in 2018, he suffered from early onset dementia, his older son from a previous marriage poisoned him against me, and before you know it he had made that son his power of attorney, and then within a week he filed for a divorce from me.  I was in the end forced to buy him out or lose the homestead. I did buy him out and after one year of him living alone since the son promised he would come live with him in VA, (that never happened), my x was penniless when that son removed him  from the checking account and had him declared incompetent...and the rest is horrible history.  Needless to say I will never speak to that stepson again as long as I live. He never even came to his father's funeral!!! And never even sent flowers...AND never paid for the funeral either.  My family paid for his funeral.  In his will he had left everything to my son, but the evil son had taken over everything and had dismantled it all before my x died...so there was Nothing left to Inherit.

Mom died one year later in 2019, I really thought she would make it to 100, she was 95, then my sweet little Casey, he was only a dog, but dammit he was special...and in Jan of this yr my son took me out of  his life.  I will not go into his problems, as dragging someone's else's club is not a good thing...but he wants no part of me in his life because I am still clinging to the person I wanted him to be...is how he put it. 

I had no idea I was doing such a thing and honestly he is wrong.  I am currently the only person left for him to blame and hate so that is how it goes...
So the 2018 loss Im in stage 5,
the 2019 loss Im in stage 4, 

the 2020 loss Im in stage 4
and the 2021 loss Im in stage 1...

Ok make that 3 times now on the tears...it may sound like Im feeling sorry for myself...and yes I am, I was handling it pretty good for a few months then it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

And to put the last cherry on the top both my sisters live 1800 miles away and I haven't seen them in well over a year and the oldest one I really doubt she will ever make the trip here again.  

Both my dogs Annie and Floss are now 13 they are not in the best of shape, they are 91 in dog years.  So traveling with them right now would put a hardship on them.  Neither of them can jump in or out of the van without help and I cant lift them anymore they are both about 60 lbs.  And if I outlive them I will be right back at stage one again.  

OK fine, where is the bright side?