Happily Ever After Marriage-

hat makes me happy?  Can I figure out what makes me happy?  Maybe by a process of elimination--take away what makes me unhappy and I should be left in a puddle of bliss, right?  That makes sense to me! So if I take away the things that make me unhappy whats left over is the happy-

All I know is for the most part I'm a happy person.  The very simplest of things makes me happy and brings me joy.  BUT this has changed as I have aged!  I used to be very happy to arrange and be a part of family gatherings...bit by bit that became hard and difficult and did not bring happiness to me personally--my struggle to make others happy made me unhappy...

Now I find that I keep one eye on the clock and breath a sigh of relief when they go home!  Does that mean I dont love my family, cant tolerate them, or that I'm happier when I am NOT with them.  I think the last part is the answer.  I love my family but Im happier when I am not with them--not in demand, not solving group problems, when I have my own needs to take care of and no one else's. 

I have realized that it is when people inject their issues onto me that I become the most UNHappy--I cant solve anyone's problems but my own.
I can't be the quick fix, that makes me unhappy--when I'm in a position where demands are placed on me that I might try to repair someone else's mistakes, oversights, procrastination, or neglect-I get very unhappy!  These type tasks when dumped in my lap depress and suppress me emotionally--SO learning to say NO has helped me to stay happy!

Is that selfishness?  I think it might be, but this is about happiness, not morality, or relationships skills...and since honesty is a big part of happiness- honestly- Im happier when I'm alone and doing whatever I've a mind to and not what I need to do or should do because of family demands.  Thankfully my single child is going to be 30 on his birthday and so my parenting is more about maintenance now.

I am much happier to be separated and almost divorced than I was married.  There were parts of marriage I enjoyed but for the most part I was not happy to be in a marriage.  It was too confining & too much responsibility was put on me, since he took the easier role in the marriage and dumped all the hard parts on me.  Things like taking the lead in all the decision making, overseeing and having to take care of all the daily running of the house, the shopping, all the parenting, teaching our son about the world, money, taxes, insurance, handling all the "difficult" stuff of family life--holiday planning, cooking, decorating, arrangements, everything!! While I was the disciplinarian he was "our sons best friend" so it left me out of the fun stuff entirely. 

Being married to someone like that is like being a single parent of two children!  One who is supposed to be helping, but is only making every process harder by voicing disapproval of how I was handling things while refusing to  help or to handle it himself.  This was psychological abuse but I didn't realize that.  I was doing my best but it was never good enough. I had to face all the hard stuff alone, when it was time for my son to go to college I was so confused and wanted to be sure he got all the grants, scholarships, etc that he was qualified for and my X didn't help with one single thing!  My son was in college for 6 yrs and it was very demanding on me financially, emotionally, and socially.  The X used his lack of education as an excuse for never helping fill out paperwork and not handling the big decisions of our marital life.  All the burden shifted to me and I was not totally prepared for that myself.

So I knew within 10 years I had chosen the wrong partner...but by then I was being dragged along in the river of married life, struggling to raise my son, dealing with running my own business, trying to pay bills, give my son what he needed and in all that mix I lost myself--and I stayed lost for the next 16 yrs. Then suddenly I woke up--came out of the deep sleep that being in an emotionally exhausting marriage had put me in.  It was only in that state of mind that I could remain in the unhappy situation. 

Slowly as my son needed me less I began to recall the parts of life that gave me happiness.  I have always been happiest out in nature, or at the very least interacting in some way...I used to ride horses, hike, ski, camp, bird watch, nature and landscape photography, draw, and spend time with my favorite girl friends. Quite simply I was a Flower Girl who got lost along her way to Shangri~la. 

So now Im happier than Ive been in many years.  It was NOT the people in my life that made me unhappy it was my inability to find that happy zone while trying to make others happy at the same time. These two couldnt exist together in me and the result be happiness.

 I need lots of down/me time!  It took me so long to figure these things out...I took on a lot of guilty thinking-- such as I didn't LOVE my family but that is not true at all I love my family very much, I just cant be everything for them and remain happy--

  So now I can concentrate on what makes me happy and walk away from what brings me unhappiness and find that a state of peace, balance, and harmony  where Im happiest!

When Im out with my camera, exploring, walking my dogs, creating art...IM completely at peace and in a state of bliss...When I have to bend and deal with the demands placed on me by family, society, and social rules I begin to feel stress and then unhappiness sets in until I can get  back to my happy place!

Just figuring out when I am happiest and trying to get to and stay in that state of mind has made a big difference in my life!!  By using the process of elimination, I found what makes me happy by removing what doesn't!!