Day 51 Lost n Found

INDOW INTO A LIFE...
I watch a lot of Youtubers, I don't have Cable TV or Satellite and I don't subscribe to any streaming services...so Youtube fills in the dull times between sundown and bedtime.  I do have antenna tv which is reruns from the 70, 80, and 90's and the main network weeklies.  The past 2 weeks the Olympics have pre-emptied most of what I was watching...some drama's that I enjoy...meanwhile PBS had it's fund raising and I just don't always enjoy that..."You can fix your mind" type thing.  Trust me you can't.  

I think I mentioned before... this young woman who lives in a van up in BC Canada, I was really enjoying her channel, then suddenly she told us she was in a relationship...and that killed it for me...I have not been enjoying her vlogs since that day...it's like now she is in a holding pattern like a satellite suddenly orbiting the life of this guy.  He is boring and now she is too...Her life is just waiting on him while he works, waiting on him so "they" can be together, so I watched her lose herself...and it reminded me of how I lost myself.  I had no intentions of getting married, or having a child or owning my own business, or settling down. When I was 18 I wanted to be a total vagabond.  I wanted to live the life of a gypsy.  Of course I had no money, no plan just this feeling inside of who I wanted to be, how I wanted to feel and what I wished to enjoy in life.  I wanted a little place to grow my own food, have my horses and critters around me, I wanted to pack my horse up and ride across America, and I wanted to experience the flowers, the birds, the Earth up close and personal.

Image all the people living for today...if only there was no Ted Bundies in the world and there was no private keep out signs all over the places you want to see...

Then I met the man I married and I waited for him to spend time with me, and the next thing you know I completely forgot what I had intended to do...how I wanted to feel, and who I wished to be.  I was needing him, changing to be the best companion for him, and working toward goals we had..not all of which came into being as it didn't take that many years and the dreams we planned slowly feel by the wayside and we simply feel into the day to day survival of a married couple with a child, both running businesses and work a day life paying for our home...school, work, family life. 

So I want to shout to this girl DON'T DO IT....she says she is in love so last week she left to go back out on the road for a while, I think she lost subscribers and lost viewers and her income is dwindling...since basically all she did was sit in parking lots waiting for him.  He doesn't want to be on camera...so he doesn't really fit into her life now does he?

So she has been dishonest with us about alot of the things she shows in her life, a fish in a bowl maybe but not really as we discovered she had this man, she had an office she rented, and she was basically NOT living in her van...So now she is away from him and she is "sad, cause she is in love."  Does that make sense??  She fell in love so now she can't just be her that makes her feel sad? 

She used to laugh, go for walks, forage for wild edibles, rock climb, and occasionally visit friends.  All the things that made her cool and made her different she quit doing...So we'll see if she finds herself as she tries to regain her following. 

Now Im free to do what I want and yet Im too tired to do it.