Anyone who is brave enough to do a year end wrap up this year deserves the Little Red Badge of Courage. Mine would be a page filled with grief, tears, anger and expletive's.
The World Family of insanity. It's been a year of sadness, sickness, shock, and despair.
Hard to say Happy New Year when at this point nothing had changed. I don't shy away from sharing my misery. Just like it killed me inside to find someone with a gun to kill the deer suffering by the side of the road it went against my grain in all ways I want to heal to fix to make it right and in this case it was beyond my skill set. So what did I learn? I guess my answer is I have to respect the rights of others to carry a gun but in a way that does not create harm, put to the right use. He could have just as easily put that gun to my head and left me quivering on the road to die.
So I just want to make believe the world is my oyster and there is a pearl in each one.. BUT going on my track record, it will be fakes. How many of you have read "The Pearl" by John Steinbeck? The nations of the world, but mostly THIS nation should read this book. It's been a long time ago since I read it but it is the way I feel about life....if you search constantly for what is out of reach you miss the journey.
I wish I could be better with my approach to how I handle situations in life that irk me or upset me, I want to be more like my Mother. She was able to hate the message without hating the messenger.
I yearn to be graceful but will never be, I throw stones and I aim to hit. My Mom would give you a short to the point verse, and that was her one and only say in the matter...it was up to you to figure out her meaning. I stomped my feet and got red in the face, and go over and over it and yet we both come to the same conclusion, we can not change what is out of our control to do so. I wish to draw first blood, I want to make it right. Grace is not in me I accept that. You say something that I don't like I will call you out on it. Its called pushing the envelope.
I have no problems telling you how I feel....what I have a problem with is changing how I feel. I am re examining how I deal with life. As I know and maybe you have picked up on it...I am an observer, but I don't ask questions. That is a huge flaw in my character. One reason? When I ask, I feel Im getting a "what you want to hear answer" just to shut me up cause people are not willing to bare all. So in search of the truth...I give up and make my own assumption based on my own belief and observation.
This means I'm missing huge pieces of the puzzle.
My main question is WHY? Are answers necessary? I think they are.
So am I saying I want to move forward with more understanding, ask more questions, YES it does mean something...I want answers dammit...so in order to get that I must ask questions and then listen. Some individuals are unable to tell you how they feel, they know WHY they feel that way but they are unable to express those feelings. Two heads are better than one, and that is obvious. I feel unappreciated because, "you don't accept my best, as my best." Now is that so hard? And when you are told that how do you answer??
Maybe, "I hope we can be more open with our feelings so I can understand and accept the place from which you are coming." It is a dialog, it is a possibility, it is a place to start.
You don't understand because I am not telling you how I feel. The connection is broken...like a rope cut in half.
I guess the whole point of this rambling kick off to a New Year is let us not give up, lets us not think the thing we have to gain is beyond us. Let us move forward and question why, and lets wait for the answer before we act. Love the ones you have, and let the rest love the ones they have and hopefully we all go forward in that way. And if it is NOT the world we want then let's be willing to throw the stone if we have exhausted all other avenues.
A doctor who refuses to treat for lack of money in the book is the catalyst for this father to seek drastic measures, so if your store gets burned down, maybe you deserved it. If people march over your estate, and shout My Life Matters, maybe you should ask WHY are you doing this and listen to the answer, then go about changing HOW you feel about it, if you care or if you don't then so be it, march to your own drum and then when the song you made is played back I hope you understand it and agree with it.
In order to understand where someone is at in life, you have to accept the place they are in. I accepted the deer is beyond the ability to live so I looked OUTSIDE my belief system to find the answer. I hate guns and I don't like people with guns, yet suddenly a man with a gun was the solution I sought. Am I making any sense here? An educator I am not.
Frankly don't be an ass in the World. Respect each others right to peace, right to act, and right to change, and the right to be respected and heard. Help the needy, insist our leaders put the FEELING back in our policies, if it's not helping US ALL its not helping any of us. Built a wall? Why? To keep people out or people in? Give to the rich? Why, will they give back to the poor, or buy another yacht and lock a bigger gate? We help nations destroy a dictator...while one attempts to rise up here and we don't shout NO!...WTH? We speak up or we go quietly. I want to understand why are some in agreement with that?
We all have a responsibility to each other. Yes we are cut from a different cloth, but we must embrace that the cloth is made of strands of individual strings, different colors, different thickness, different strengths, and going in different directions. But going forward we need to at least have some singular goals.....we can climb the mountain from different directions but when we get to the top its the ONE SAME TOP we stand on. If we are all climbing different mountains how can we say we are together? After all every mountain within out reach is on ONE Planet, Earth.
Being a productive part of the whole is so very important. We create a place inside us that we must share and show the world, I am a part of this. I am a thread in the fabric of humanity. I care about my family, my community, and my country. And in that order. I care about you and don't want to lock you in my ideas, but don't take up a gun against me...don't tell me how my body should look, or how to have sex, or how to speak, but let us do all use the same freedoms to be who we are without hating each other. This is why I am saying we need to learn to change the way we feel. I hate the message, but I want to stop hating the messenger, and ask WHY? If the answer is not real is a made up piece of propaganda then I toss my rock thru your window.
Get Real. Don't try to point me to some ideological place, show me the facts, you're hurt by the world, HOW, show me. Listening to a talking head is not going to change my mind that you have been harmed. In a court of law you much show how you were harmed in a civil case, and you must show how someone else broke the law in order to have your case heard. So make you case, if you lose then you lose.
If you are screaming I am Rich and I deserve to live behind walls that keep you out because you are living poor, how is that acceptance? If you go down to skid row and they yell at you get OUT you don't belong here, how is that different? Somehow our society has made that different it is NOT. NO I dont want people living on skid row, I want to figure out why? They need mental help, then where are the free clinics? They need shelter, where is the shelter, they need training, where is the training, they need education where is that? Capitalism is not inclusive.
YET WHY are there tax breaks for the wealthy when they don't need it? There is no need there, yet a solution was made to a problem that did not exist. One that could have paid for all the above I just mentioned. There is no reason we can't fix those problems other than we don't want to. We need to put the we back in society.
We cry out to the minorities you are equal but actions show they are not. Policy is made to hold them back keep them down crush their growth. We have a chance to be a better society, we have the opportunity to stop the hate, we have a do over...this time lets do it right.
HO IS SURPRISED? 
