Hard Times

hen hard
times come....who can we trust to do the right thing?
we probably won't realize it when it happens...
This weekend has been sad and emotionally draining for me.  I will explain, in a minute. 
My X who I have separated from for 13 yrs...divorced me in 2011 and forced me to buy out the house....I don't live in it yet...I was trying to fix it up when I fell last year and broke both my arms..

My X's mind has been failing him for a while now...he is quite a bit older than me....I could see signs way back,  but then I didn't know what it was a sign of! He had a hard time learning new things yet he could FIGURE OUT A MIND bender puzzle just like that.  He was forgetful and he lost keys and locked himself out all the time..he had some difficult areas in life...We always just said he is forgetful!  But he had his own business, he always did well and although he had some issues he was able to have a good life, I took care of all the paperwork in our life, and explained things to him that he didn't understand, etc.  He said he was thick headed.  I always felt he just didn't grasp certain things I know many people are like that! He was a blacksmith and he worked with horses his whole life! 

I had always wanted him to stay in our house when we split up, when I moved back to help mom I moved in with her, we were right next door to my X. I figured we could all help each other as we were growing older ...But something in his mind just kept snapping. For years he has been insisting he stay put in the house...I agreed, then suddenly he started to preach how he needed to get out, move to town.  He has a son from his first marriage who had divorced and was living with this woman and she for some reason put this mind worm in both of them that my X needed to divorce me, sell the house, and move into an assisted living situation.  Well he made me the offer to buy the house for 25 grand so I did! He divorced me, told me he planned to move to Virginia and in with his oldest son...but he didnt do that! When he movedout he took nothing but his clothes! He didnt even close the door of the house, and he moved out a week later than the order had said! I kne he had issues so I said nothing I cleaned out his things.

He moved into a small apt in town.  Not long after moving he forgot to renew his drivers license...and he lost his license.  He never tried to retake the test I guess he figured he couldnt pass it, he has major problems with reading comprehension. I would have gladly helped him but I didnt know about it for months later!  I would have gladly looked in on him while he was living here next door but once he forced the divorce and moved I figured he didnt want me involved in his life, so I stayed out.  

He made his oldest son his power of attorney and health care proxy...who took over his finances and i was told my X didn't even have enough money to buy food in his pocket! I was very upset I arranged  an application for senior food assistance.  I was told he refused to do it, saying he would lose the card or forget about it so I don't know why he never followed through with that.  I filled in the paper all he had to do was sign and mail. 

Then he got a bicycle to ride.  He enjoys going to the nearby McDonald's other seniors come there and gather each day and hang out talking while they have coffee.  He has been going there for years he drove in ever day to do that when he lived out here.  

He obviously rode his bicycle to McDonald's on Saturday collapsed in there and they called EMS he was taken in with a diagnosis of stroke, which was wrong!! He is always confused...he has A-fib, and he has Bradycardia, It is my feeling he got too hot, and his heart rate DECREASED AND HE FAINTED! They went with full stroke protocol this hospital here stinks! They transferred him to a stroke center...and called his son in VA. they also called my sister he had her phone number in his wallet. They couldn't get a hold of our son...he was asleep and had his phone on vibrate! 

So now they say he did not have a stroke, but now the great minds who know nothing about him...are making plans to put him in a nursing home! YES he is not functioning as well as some do...but he deserves a chance to stay independent as long as possible.  All I did was cry all day yesterday....because if only he had trusted me...(and they had not put those ideas in his head) I would make sure he got back to his own place.  Yeah its not a perfect life but who are we to judge that?? He is able to take care of his everyday living, the problem is he gets confused when around people! When he speaks he sometimes doesn't make sense.  AND if you don't know him it will make you think this guy is a nut.  BUT its not true.  Even his oldest son who has NOT been around and my X did NOT raise him has no clue.  My son has no authority since he is not the legal Health Care Proxy...so its like he (my X)  tied our hands to help him.  I want to know why his SON wont take him to home in VA if he believes he shouldnt
 be alone...like I said he takes care of himself!! I dont think they realize there is NO assisted living for people who dont have a lot of cash in the bank!! A nursing home at best is all he will get. 

The very first sign that he was not quite all there was he continued to repeat the same thing every time you spoke to him...We had some hard times the divorce got brutal for a while...then we finally got through it, it was all his oldest son's and his girlfriends idea they planted that seed in a struggling mind and made it a big issue and it grew into a horrible mistake! 

I have a health care proxy Im thinking of destroying it!! 

Three Days in Three Ways

HEN it comes will you believe?

I get antsy!  Meanwhile summer rushes toward fall! Imagine that.  I had high hopes of having my project house finished and rented by fall and winter yet it sits with walls missing, and all the projects still undone.  It's like a long pause is in progress....a pause in my life, in my living, but no pause has happened in time and in the length of my time on the Earth.... 

"Sigh" oh well.  I have learned one thing..you cant do what you cant do, yet! So I wait for healing, help, and who knows what is coming my way.  I've been watching a DVD that I was led to from the Other Side! Do you believe in metaphysical energy?

I had a dear friend who lived in Washington State.  We knew each other via an old blog pool...I was living in NYC when I discovered him...so its been along time ago...I had hoped to be able to meet Richard but it never happened.  I had planned a trip to MT signed up for a Park Passport in Time project working  on old Dude Ranch Cabins near Yellowstone Park.  I had applied & been accepted to the program and was excited to go.  THEN the economy fell apart, I lost my then job at the hospital and gas went through the roof, I had to cancel my trip..

Richard had planned to come from WA to MT down with his teardrop camper and spend a couple days exploring I was kinda afraid to meet him...to be honest--I mean who knows exactly how someone is just from online discussions? We loved so many of the same things and he seemed completely genuine!  

Then a couple years passed and Richard and I kept in touch even when the blog pool we had been a part of fell through!! We kept in touch via Facebook, I sent him books he sent me videos, of special stuff...we became pen pals as well as e-pals.  Richard was a good 6+ yrs older than me, so he was already retired..Next yr I will retire and even tho I am now unable to work to due to a disability I will be retiring next yr. I am not working but that only means I have no income...I hope once I do have income again I can travel to his old stomps and see for myself! 

See Richard contacted me via email and told me he was sending me a great book by Louise Hay...he said it had opened his eyes to so many of the issues he had..although I don't really think Richard had issues.  He was so calm and yet he was not a hermit, he loved being around people but he never wanted to be the center of attention.  He quietly went about his life with his dog Star.  I was always excited to know what he and Star were up to and he shared his life with me through email and messages on Facebook, and the occasional letter via US mail. 

I want so much to be traveling on the road, it was something we BOTH wanted...yet he spoke of family responsibility and I had plenty of that myself...I had plans to go see Richard...so in 2009 I headed for AZ to see a friend and I mentioned it to Richard that we should meet...but he was on a trip with his bike club friends into Idaho...so it wasn't happening that yr...Time passed, I felt our friendship had mellowed to the point that we were no longer afraid of each other but we grew comfortable & drew apart a bit...like a comfortable pair of old shoes that you pull out when you feel you need a hug--- that was us..

Then out of the blue Richard emailed me he was so excited about this book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.  

"I'm going to send you a copy so be looking for a package from me!" 

Awesome!! I was planning another trip to the west that spring...2011 and I was determined to ask if he wanted to meet in Wyo. or somewhere in between CO & WA just needed Winter to get out of the way so I could make the cross country trip...

The book never arrived...I thought oh well I guess he forgot.  Then he posted on Facebook he was going to his grandson's baseball game...and I thought 'ohhh he is busy with family and he will mail the book when he gets un-busy." 

No book came...then it was a few days later a message popped up from Richard on Facebook...

only it was not Richard it was his son...

"I wanted to let all of my dad's Facebook friends know my dad passed away on Feb 15, it was a sudden thing and we are all in shock." 

OMG NO!!! How can this be...my dear friend gone from this Earth? NO it's a really awful joke...but it wasn't a joke..as the days unraveled more of his local friends came to leave their condolences to his family on his Facebook page.  I did get to email his sister...she told me Richard had died in his bed after the ball game! HE had acute pancreatitis, and he bleed to death in his sleep! No one knows if he felt sick he was MIA for 3 days before they found him. 

 OH Horrid--I didn't even want to know anymore.  BUT then I realized a blessing had been bestowed on Richard he died the way we all want to die! Asleep, no long illness, without pain or knowledge of the impending event.  How lucky!! He did make at least one trip with his brand new teardrop trailer!! So he was cremated, his house sold, his dog Star went to live with a friend and even she was put to sleep last yr...I don't know what happened to his truck and teardrop or his new Harley Davidson that he was so in love with...or the land he had out in the country....he loved it there.

So last week at the library I went to get a few DVD's to watch.  I picked up one and for some reason it seemed familiar to me..I brought it home and when I picked up the box it came rushing back...Louise Hay! You can Heal Your life!
Sign number one.  It was a great message, I had listened to the Secret and it has the same premise...you are what you think you are! So I think Richard is trying to tell me I'm worthy--as lately I've been thinking I am not.

I cried literally for weeks after Richards death I did go out west in May of 2011...and I had him in my thoughts the entire time...

Then the second sign..

Richard had some really great hiking friends.  He enjoyed many times hiking to the Dungeness LightHouse ...exactly one day after seeing the Louse Hay DVD I opened up my blog reader and there was a post from someone-- I read about her hike to Dungeness Lighthouse! Richard's favorite hike!  I recognized the scenery from all the photos of Richard's I had admired! He knew I liked lighthouses and I told him I really wanted to see it...we talked of taking a long car trip over into Oregon..and beyond....I felt Richard was saying don't forget this is on your bucket list!! Get Busy---Ask, Believe, Receive.

The Third Sign.

The next day another blog friend's blog posted photos and she was visiting Port Orchard Richard's home town!  She was taking the ferry to Bremerton where his Bike club was located, the same ferry I'm sure he rode when he made the trip to the monthly meetings! Finally I got to see it!  I just felt he was trying to send me a message from the other side...

I think he is  saying "don't give up on yourself...keep your dream alive, if you don't it may die before you get to meet it face to face."

3 days and 3 signs, I waited 3 days for the news of the book being mailed, the stone was rolled away 3 days later----and he was gone.

the Fabric of Life...

hat if you chose a mate like you do a bathrobe?

I washed my old bathrobe this morning...its been my cozy friend for more than 25 years! Thinking back to when I acquired it, and why I never felt the need to replace it, got me to thinking this...does one person really need to hang onto more than one bathrobe through out adult life?

I think I'm a prime candidate to answer that question! I found this bathrobe in Kmart many years ago.  I didn't buy it, I picked it up admired it and put it back on the rack...my Mom was with me.   She noticed my admiration and later came back alone and bought it, wrapped it up, and gave it to me as a Christmas present.  The robe came with slippers and a sash to tie.  It was made of 100% cotton terry with a creamy color background and pale stripes of color running up and down and had two large pockets.  The size was a bit big for me, a generous 2X, Mom didn't check the size since it was the last one on the rack! 

YES, I was surprised to see the robe I had admired now mine! I tried it on, the sleeves were long and had to be rolled up, the sash was abundant and had to be tied up in a bow to use up some of that length, but the robe was very comfortable and durable! It had a nice sturdy loop in the collar to hang it up...so I put it into use.  

The slippers lasted less than one year...I think I'm a little too rough on slippers! I have been known to walk outside in my slippers... to the mailbox which for me means a long trip up the dirt driveway, across the deep sandy road, and back. So these slippers went into the trash way before Christmas rolled around again. I did push them around on the floor of my closet for a while before tossing 'em in sympathy for the now "lone" robe. 

Each shower ended with the robe snugly swaddled around me, and between times it was draped on a brass hook in the bathroom, right next to my husband's robe. Every now and then on a cold night I stayed wrapped up in it till bedtime, and then it went back on the hook.  It hung next to his as our child grew up, went off to college, and moved away from home.  I packed it in my suitcase when our marriage crumbled.  It took up a lot of space, I had to sit on the case to get it zipped, but it was coming with me no way around that. 

Then it hung on a new hook in a new to me bathroom, alone.  I washed dishes in my little studio apartment wearing my one bathrobe. It dried me after showers, it warmed me on snowy nights, it comforted me while I watched sad movies and I reached into the pocket for tissues.  When I went to bed sometimes I spread it over my quilt for extra warmth.  It did double and triple duty.  

I shed many a tear, laughed many times, shook in fear, ate many a meal, cuddled up with many a book or movie while wearing my tattered but not torn friend...the familiarity of the cozy cotton sometimes substituted as a hug from missed loved ones.  When the healing was well under way the bathrobe and I moved again...back to my home town.  This time it fit better in the case one now not so full of excess baggage.  It saw me through new hard times...getting that new job, then getting fired, depression, sickness, divorce, more depression, accidents, good, bad, ugly, and always a to comfort me.

I realize the reason this bathrobe is the ONLY one I've had for many years is it was the right one for me.  The fit is flexible, the color just right, the material perfect.  There is no reason to replace something that is the right one...if it had not been the right one, maybe it would have hung in the dark corner of my closet for an appropriate amount of time then sneaked off to the Goodwill to become the fave of some other woman.  It may have been cut into cleaning cloths, or been re-gifted... ya know. None of the above happened.  It was not replaced by many other robes, it didn't become one in a stable of many choices, it was MY ONE robe.  I was attached the moment I saw it, but I left it behind...it found a way to get to me anyway! That got me thinking. 

What if we chose a mate like we chose a bathrobe? One per lifetime...maybe we pass it up to see if it will find it's way to us.  It has to be a good fit, flexible, made of the right stuff, and be attractive to us...if it doesn't do those things does it hang around until we can find a way to get rid of it? Do we secretly despise it while we go about our life adding other robes to try, looking for other things (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, saddness, depression, violence, rage) to satisfy that empty need, that desire, for the perfect fit? I think so! Then I have to ask this...right away we know if its a keeper or one to toss back. It's not the right fit, its snug and confining, the sleeves are to short so we cant reach out, its stiff, inflexible, and uncomfortable.  Other people are uncomfortable when they are around us in that robe, they see the ill fit... yet we hang it on the hook and we hope it will become the right size, the right texture, the right stuff...but the only thing that happens is it becomes tattered, torn, old, and even uglier. 

SO the lesson here is... if you don't want that bathrobe get rid of it quickly!   Let it go when there is still bright color in the fabric, softness and springiness to the loft, and while there is plenty of time left to hang on the right person's hook and be appreciated each and every day for a life time.  Don't allow it to hang there and become droopy, dirty, old, and worn out with nothing left to offer. Give it away, set it free, pass it on when it still has a life in front of it.  Why hold on to something that really and truly is not yours and you know it!  Get yourself a new robe right away hang it up proudly with the knowledge that a life time of comfort is on your horizon.

My robe is tumbling in the dryer getting all fluffed and clean.  When I take it out I will give it a shake, place the long sash back through the waist loops, and hang it on the hook in the bathroom, the one hook.  And that is the lesson I learned....I'm a one hook person!  There is a lesson for life in every thing around us, it applies across the board, its up to us to put those lessons into action. 

So are you going to hang onto that ill fitting robe, wash and hang the one you love,  or buy a new one?  The choice is up to you.

Wrong Time Wrong Place Wrong Verdict!

hat makes one man's life worth more or less than anothers?
Been a while since I was in Writtin's.  I'm kinda withdrawn right now, working on being a hermit, turning inward more, attempting to figure out the present.  Of course the past is easy to analyse and the future is easy to plot, but living in the now is hard! I can do it when Im working no way around that..and when Im hiking or on an adventure its easy.  When Im considering something that happened and its not my life but someone just like me, a woman a mother, a child a son, it puts steam in my brain!
Speaking of the Trayvon Martin case and the shocking unjust results.  Being a Libra I have to find balance in everything...and although I do NOT know all the details of the case I dont need to know that,  to know its WRONG to kill someone! Slice, dice, chop, or shoot, its just damned wrong! I don't need a Bible, a scholar, a judge, friend, or foe to try and convince me otherwise.  You take a life you are evil! Period.  No matter if the "court" says so or not...makes no difference to me...I say he did a wrong thing and Karma is now ON its way! (The Universal Law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction)

You may not agree you may want to weigh the pros and cons of the evidence, the testimony, the eye witnesses, the recordings, the past of the killer, the life of the dead...but you do have to agree with me about this A MAN KILLED A CHILD...and was not punished for that!
WRONG -WRONG -WRONG!
IF Trayvon had wrestled the gun away and shot Zimmerman who was stalking him and no doubt saying something....would the outcome of the trail have been different? Would he have been defending himself against a stalker who had threatened him? I'm almost certain he would have been tried for murder, found guilty, and given the death sentence!
THIS man will be back in the news before its all said and done.

Two Steps Forward Three Steps Back

ALLING
My maiden name which I resumed...
Getting  divorced has changed my life of course...and I find myself being challenged to figure out the rest. I am a big planner.  I make lists, I ponder, and I think about it all.  In spite of all that plans get twisted, turned, and do an about face.

Are we ever actually able to stay on course? My whole life has been off course...on my way to my freedom, I found a man and was hitched for many years.  So now I'm free again to do whatever I want and IF I can figure that out all will be fine.

Ive had many discussions with people about destiny.  I do and dont believe in destiny.  I feel each of us has one to fullfill but very few of us are able to do that.  Staying on course, on track, is the conduit.
Its almost like on the way to the airport, I stopped at the bus station or something.  I had a plan-- all was going according to plan, I made a 3 year budget plan, I knew what I wanted and when I was going to implement all the steps along the way of my "big Plan" to put me where I wanted to be by the yr 2014...yeah thats NEXT YR..

I would work and pay  my debts OFF, again! YEAH then take the money I was using to pay said debt off into a fund to buy myself a nice small camp trailer so WHEN 2014 came I'd work half the yr then I'd ride off into the sunset and retire...see all those wonders Ive missed out on.

Then BANG, my x whom I'd been separated from for 13 yrs Filed for divorce!  Threatened to sell the marital home and I realized I didnt want that place to be sold.  SO I bought it. DUH.,,,now there goes my plan up in smoke.  Back into debt, and confusion again.  Plan on the back burner, life on hold, why?
Wish I knew the answer.  SO meanwhile Im refurbishing the old house with the money I should be saving so I can retire! Damn.  Have I lost my way or am I simply taking the scenic route? I know I'm learning how to DO so many things Im learning to trust myself, and Im learning how strong and disciplined I can be. 

I hope these are tools I am going to need WHEN I do retire which has probably been extended at least a yr.
Damn!

Where's the Truth in Advertising?

OULD it be so awful to show us the truth?
WHO Is they you say? Well if watch any TV, thumb through magazine, drive past billboards at all, its them those advertisers.  For one thing why are we having to watch ads when we pay for TV now a days? We keep threatening to turn our satellite off, all we get are Law and Order reruns, NCIS reruns, CSI reruns...NOW I do like a few of the series, but now a days they create 6 weeks and then its gone for 10 weeks,,,,can hardly recall what was going on.
BUT the ads where they put the Hook in big letters and the Sinker in print so small you cant read it right at the bottom, WHY? What are they hiding? Is their product or offer so horrible that they keep it hidden hoping you will spend your money BEFORE you see that small print?  Is it so untrue they dont reveal, its so dishonest they are ashamed to honestly reveal it? I think its all of the above.  Why do we stand for that?
The car ads, $159 a month, WOW what a deal. ANK!
Its a lease, read the small print, $2,650 down at signing and then after about 3 years later you still owe a lot for the car. 
The details are in that small print.  The truth is there but so small we are not able to see it...on the radio they speak it so fast YOU CANT understand it? WHAT on EARTH? That to me is just plain insulting....Imagine if it were reversed...what if they put the truth Big AS LIFE for us to read and hear.  

I for one would like to see a company who is NOT afraid of what they are selling, who are so happy to show you that they PUT the facts RIGHT Up in BIG letters for you to see.  How refreshing that would be...to feel that you are not getting screwed when you give up your hard earned money for a product or service.  TO really trust that the company, store, or person you are dealing with one who has your best interests at heart and they really DO want to give you a good deal.  Imagine that?

We say nothing as the small print continues to be a loophole for us to be taken advantage of. Complacent...tired...fed up...jaded?
Yes to all of the above.

Into the Future!

ELL...
I haven't been very attentive to Writtin's.  Not that I haven't had anything  rattling around in my head I have, its I haven't had anything GOOD to say.  IT was a very challenging year for me,, from start to finish....

Some random ideas that have been ping ponging around in my head lately:

So 2012 is gone! That sounds like such a far away time~ when I was a kid back in the 1960's I thought there would be colonies on Mars by now.  Didn't you?
What has held us back? 
We have held onto old ideas such as gasoline engines, coal burning power stations, and a 9 to 5 lifestyle. We have milked the gas and oil cow till she is nearly dry and now we are MILKING it for all its worth.  As a world population we are stagnant as the super rich control the world we live in and we continue to be players in an economy that was created to keep the upper tier rich as the rest of us struggle to make the best of the lemons  disguised as "THE AMERICAN DREAM"

I was recently reading a copy of the magazine Prevention.  By the time I finished reading it I felt doomed to a life of anguish and unanswered questions.  Headlines such as:
FATIGUE, WHAT CAUSES IT
ARE YOU IRON DEFICIENT?
WHY YOU CANT SLEEP
IS THE FOOD YOU EAT MAKING YOU SICK
HOW TO STOP BACK PAIN WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION

When I read these shock-lines I realized we Americans are a mass of sick people.  We are in constant pain both physically, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.  The American way of life is what is giving us fatigue, gives us a horrible diet, wont allow us to sleep, and creates a body riddled with all sorts of complaints. 
IF we could fix the spiritual problems first that would give us the strength to deal with the emotional, and then the physical would fall into place.  WE think we are a sick society now, wait until the kids of today grow up...they are being raised by cell phones and x-boxes.  When its their turn to be the Dead Beats in the House and Senate what will be important to them?  Will they care about the natural world at all?

They had a "take your kid hunting day" here yesterday and today! SO the only time a kid is encouraged to go into the woods is to kill something? To me that is SICK!

9 to 5 keeps people enslaved.  A life is like a flash in time...when compared to the Universe  our existence is a nanosecond! We spend our most productive years working to earn money.  I was thinking of this; what if instead of retiring at 65 we retired at 50? Reason being...if people moved out of the jobforce at age 50 younger workers would move into these jobs, it would keep the tax foundation strong and steady, a young workforce is more productive, and as workers age they are more prone to disease! AS we enter into that pivotal age  we need time to work ON US, a job takes precedence.  IF we had 16 hrs a day to work on our own health, we would become healthier people! Less fatigue, less emotional issues, stronger physical bodies, and we could discover who we are spiritually! IF we wait until we are 65 years old we are pretty much at a point of no return!
...By this time workers are so beat down by the work a day life style, they    cant/dont make time for exercise, we dont make time to relieve stress, we dont have time to cook and eat right...just going to work and staying on the wheel takes all we have to give.  Not everyone is able to tap into our inner Super Man or Wonder Woman.  Some can and my hat is off to those people, but I dont want to be like them.

The Medical machine is draining us dry....if we didnt have to work away the best years of our life, we would be healthier! IT would cost US less for workers to retire early! Happy people are healthier!....IF our system included saving for the future...we could retire early! We are not told HOW important it is to save money, we are sold an "investment idea".  SAVING money is the key to financial security!  Investing is like playing the lotto.
Pay yourself first should be the most important thing we learn in high school!  But I  dont  recall a class called MONEY. The typical education is not preparing us for the REAL world we live in. 
What if the classes being taught were like this:

NATURAL WORLD SCIENCE
YOUR SPIRITUAL BODY
YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH
YOUR BODY and HEALTH
FINANCIAL DOs and DONTs
FAMILY DYNAMICS

Maybe then we would be prepared to actually take better care of ourselves and be productive and happy at the same time.

SO on we go still rolling a square wheel uphill...all we can do is work on
 ourselves and make it better one day at a time.