Just shut up...

HILST...

The summer drags on Im trying to work on my mental health.  I have not been reaching out to people and family, as I was shutting down more and more and that is not my normal MO...'

Im normally a squeaky wheel, Inquisitive and a person who observes.  When  you're so alone there is nothing to observe. 
The past week was a very difficult one for me, as I had to ask for help.  And it did help.  I am going to make more phone calls when Im feeling down and reach out more and be more direct about my needs.  

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help this I know...I have always been a self made person...when I was young coming up I had very few role models so I escaped to my own world....I did not ask questions I observed in silence and came to my own conclusions. 

I remember riding the school bus from the rural area where we lived into town to go to  school.   I was reading signs in town that said "Horses on sidewalks prohibited" and I didn't know what prohibited meant.  At that time we had not acquired our set of World Book Encyclopedia. The whole thing a-z came later with it's own wooden stand, my mom's determination to give us an education, not mentioned but illustrated by this sudden appearance of books in our meager home.  Most times we had old hand down shoes to wear and only a pot of beans on the table but...She was determined to give us what she didn't get. 

So I never bothered to ask anyone "what does prohibited mean?" 

So I imagined many thing this could mean, did it mean horses danced in the street, did it mean you had to lead them through here very quietly? In my young curious mind it was such a puzzle what couldn't horses do on this sidewalk??

Then one day I saw this one. "Curb your Dog."

For heaven's sake, now they are attacking dogs in this town...how does one "curb" a dog?  My dogs ran free in the country where I lived to do as they pleased...They were my friends not my property.

That was way back in 1960 the rest of the world was fighting about equality...down at the Fluff n Fold the sign above the door said, "No Coloreds" and then inside at the cool drinking water fountain a sign said, "Whites Only" My dad used to lift me up to drink from it. 

So one day I worked up the courage and asked my dad...."what does that mean?"

My dad had a friend named Jim, they had worked at the same garage as mechanics, but mostly they were drinking buddies...

So my dad said, 
"That means Jim can't come in here."  
That only puzzled me more cause I was only a barely out of the "see Spot run" reading book, but I did not see the word Jim on that sign. 

I remember the very first person of color I saw when my dad moved us from the Appalachian mountains of Tennessee to SC way back on July 4th, 1960, we arrived early in the morning my dad drove through the entire night while we slept in the back seat of his blue 1957 Chrysler with the fins on back...I was 6 yrs old would turn 7 that year...And I sat up when he made a turn to see where we were.  

On the street I saw a man walking, he had on a white shirt a hat and his skin was black...his face, his arms and hands all black...so I said "Daddy what happened to that man, is he burned?" 

My dad said, "No he is from Africa." 

AFRICA?
OH MY GOSH,  what is Africa? I had never seen anyone from Africa.  Then I found out more about Africa...I spent that whole year very confused...if we are in Africa where are the giraffes and the elephants.  And why are these other people so mean to the people from Africa? 

My political leanings did not come  from CNN it came from my own observations from young wide eyed elementary kid to adulthood. 

It took me many years of self education to figure things out. My dad died in 1967 I had no one to ask those questions of as most adults when asked would simply shout back, "why don't you just shut up." 

...and so I did.