GO

HERE THE WILD THINGS GROW...

Lately for me, that is in my own mind.  Im giving the Buddha teaching a little rest now try to digest it all and incorporate what I can and let the rest stew a while.  

Do you ever suffer from Earworms?  I do.  

NO nothing is crawling into my ear.  But something is creeping into my brain.  I get these little snips of a song like one line, or one part and it plays over and over in my mind.  Its not new but lately it happens more and more.  So I googled it up:

In order to get stuck in your head, earworms rely on brain networks that are involved in perception, emotion, memory, and spontaneous thought. ... It's as if your stressed-out brain latches onto a repetitive idea and sticks with it. Also, if you have a musical background, you may be more susceptible to earworms too.

I do have a musical background.  First off I love music.  I can't name one song that hit the charts since 2000, so I just listen to the old stuff and not the new soooo therefore I don't know any new stuff.  I used to play guitar, I taught myself to play and I learned from others also.  In the beginning I could not tune my guitar so I finally got a guitar tuner a simple tone playing wind instrument to help me.  

I played in 2 concerts and I entertained my friends and family with my guitar, I won a radio contest and I was  only barely good, never great but It gave me this ability to know the note coming next in my mind.  A progression that made sense.  I can't play guitar since the breaking of both my wrists, the left wrist won't flex or bend in the way necessary for me to make chords with it. I miss it. 

It can be just a jingle from an ad, a tag line, a refrain, a chorus.  Sometimes I have to say STOP and it goes away...but then before I know it, another one pops in.  I really thought I was going crazy, I guess its like a wheel, it spins and if no particular thing is spinning my brain inserts a snip of a song or a riff. 
The temporal lobe in the diagram. 

The auditory cortex is located in the temporal lobe, an area of the brain affiliated with short-term memory, specifically verbal short-term memory. The phonological loop is best described as a “short loop of recording tape that continuously stores a small amount of auditory information,⁴” such as the chorus of a song.

Like right now when Im not thinking of what I want to type my brain plays a bit of a song, and sometimes it actually plays IN the Background of my mind, like 2 minds are working at the same time.  So I found this"

Recording the electrical activity of neurons directly from the surface of the brain, the scientists found that for a simple task, such as repeating a word presented visually or aurally, the visual and auditory cortexes reacted first to perceive the word. The prefrontal cortex then kicked in to interpret the meaning, followed by activation of the motor cortex in preparation for a response. During the half-second between stimulus and response, the prefrontal cortex remained active to coordinate all the other brain areas.

So my Prefrontal Cortex, located in the Frontal Lobe is responsible for any reaction needed by the visual or auditory input,, so in this case is  has decided there is no response...I don't begin to sing, I don't move in a certain way, I just repeat it.  BUT sometimes things don't come from my ear, not heard but from within.  Like I would think of something and then like an autonomic turntable goes and pulls a record out of my memory bank and plays only one piece of it  like a stuck record.

The  temporal lobe where the auditory cortex is located is also responsible for short term memory, emotions...and equilibrium.  My equilibrium has never been good.  I get bouts of vertigo.  I can't spin or make quick movements with my head, or ride on merry go rounds, or go out to sea or fly in plane without at first taking a pill or just avoid it. 

The people I have known who had dementia, the first sign I recognized is they repeat the same thing over and over.  It's like this same  looping thoughts, does that originate in the temporal lobe?  Even in my dog Casey, who had dementia, it showed in a different way he would do the same thing over and over, like he would go drink water.  Then he would go again, I finally had to start taking  the water bowl up after I knew he had drank enough till he went to nap and then I'd put it back down.  And he would go in and out the dog door, he actually used it so much it failed.  The entire flap thing just fell off...I was constantly repairing it.  Then when he got to where he physically couldn't go in and out without help he would go to the flap and just put his head out and turn around and come back to his bed and he would do that over and over. Then he began to have seizures and I eventually knew his suffering had to end. 

It's a scary thing.  One thing I've noticed is that my brain is sending the wrong thing to my mouth or my thoughts...as an example, like when I tried to put my gloves on my feet, it was funny, but really? Then sometimes it just won't come up with the right word like a very simple word like pruning sheers.  The other day on the phone I was trying to tell my sister something I did using the pruning sheers, and I could not come up with the word, so I said, "those really long handled things like scissors," she said "pruning sheers" and I said "yes."

Scary stuff..emotions, equilibrium, short term memory all come from this area of the brain where the loopty doop songs come from...hmmm 
When I googled it I found out Im not the only one, millions maybe ALL of us have this.  

You are...

HAT YOU THINK YOU ARE?

No you're not. 

Im doing a series of posts on things Im learning thru a Buddhist Monk in Thailand.  His perspective is a little different since he used to live in Hollywood CA and be a dancer while he worked on getting his degree in Family and Marriage Therapy.  So he is a man formed by Western Ideology.  

One thing I will say I am never in alignment with religious fever, that is why the teaching of the Buddha are more in alignment to what I will and will not be able to use in my daily life.  I do not pray.  The times I did made no difference.  I don't believe in this higher spirit.  I do believe the highest level of spirit is inside us. 

I know there's some who just said "well there you go, this is your problem." 

I don't think so.  Name one person who has lived a sincere happy life and God was their pillar?  The Pope? Hardly. Billy Graham, no way....Joel Osteen, not even close.  His message is positive, but he is telling people to use their enlightenment to achieve material wealth.   And we know that is not tangible in the end. All of the above are/were wrapped in Gold and swaddled in misery, or suffering. They die just like Jesus, the Buddha, Muhammad.  EVERYTHING even our Sun will die. 


LEARNING TO LIVE FOR NOW:

You take nothing with you on your journey, do I believe in reincarnation, I am on the fence with that one.  It doesn't really matter does it? One time I went through one of those past regression meditations.  And guess what image I had...I was an African man on the Savannah, protecting and providing for my wife...I felt the heat of the dry wind, saw the wave of the dry grasses as they waved high around me, and was in that moment seeing the world through the eyes of that man.   It was a really weird experience.  

Every session I had I kept saying, "I want to be free." 

If you know the story of Buddha he found enlightenment.  A new state of understanding.  It took him six years of searching and he spent much of that time suffering. He realized that nothing is permanent so why should we live our lives in seek of permanence when it is not achievable? Nothing is forever in other words.  There is no unchanging soul and the belief in reincarnation came from this ideal, if nothing is forever then so is the soul not forever and it changes also...

I'd like to think the loved ones who I grieve for are out there watching me, and waiting for me, but are they?  Maybe one of my dogs was my grandmother.  I may be able to channel them through memories  through thought but the Buddha reminds nothing in this world goes with you in death.  So the point is to live each day as it is your last, actually each moment.  HARD STUFF!

KARMA= "Your thoughts are your Karma."
If we have a good and kind thought for another person, that positive thought will come back to us in a favorable way. But if we harbor evil thoughts, those thoughts will come back to us as retribution.

So my despite of Trump, the GOP, all the people who won't get vaccinated, that is not helping me, so I gotta try to stop thinking about it!! I think the best way I can achieve that is to say "what they say and do is on them not me." I am not a turn the other cheek person, so I have a long way to go. 

Let it go...

HEN THINGS GO GOOD?

According to the monk:

The Buddhist teach let go of the good just like we've been told to let go of the bad.   We celebrate our good deeds, we acknowledge, we want the same outcome each time...but in real life this is not how it goes.  Letting go of our successes helps us to also let go of our failures.  We did good, but we can't ride that wind much farther than the moment in which it was acheived...as life is not that way.  Life is not given and neither is our success or failure. 

We have no guarantees.  

We can work our butts off to make something as good as can be and it just never comes to  reality.  If we expect the same result each time, there is going to be a huge let down when it goes the other way.  Can you imagine the salesman who thinks he will make a sale on every contact?  That would be a huge pressure, and an unobtainable goal.  

Don't keep score! Im terrible about doing that.  This is why Im listening to the Monk.  To try and get a different perspective on issues I am facing at this time in my life, its good to remind myself I can try again with each new sunrise, and I'm only trying to impress ME and no one else. Always do good deeds and you know you did your best. 

Let it go.  Clean slate each day.  All we can do is our best. That makes sense, have you ever tried to get over an addiction?  I imagine there are people who succeed the very first time they try and that is an awesome thing...that is the desired outcome.  If you're not one of those people does that mean you should not try again?  Just give up?  So  we can not assume success, we also can not assume failure, it simply means the sun comes up again tomorrow and you don't just throw in the towel, you try again maybe with a different approach, with a better understand and with more experience, but don't think it's all gonna go your way it could or  it could not. 

If you only feel good about you when you are Breaking Good, then how are you going to handle the days when it's all bad?  Learning to not live through ego should be simple, and I think it is, but we must keep reminding ourselves that nothing is a given. 

We are trying to keep an even keel in other words, and eliminate the highs the lows, but be satisfied with ourselves no matter, because tomorrow is another day! 

Meditation:

I've never been able to sit still so meditation is NOT something I can easily do.  Getting my mind quiet usually involves falling asleep!  One thing the monk pointed out is sitting in the position of meditation the first thing  you notice is, "I can't feel my feet." 
LoL, that will def make  you focus on yourself.  

Do you really know...

HAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU?

If I were to ask me to list the  things I value, 1-5 how would it look? For me it depends on the time of year....but this is how I would say it.

1. Family

2. Work/Chores 

3. Down time

4. Hobbies 

5. Exercise

  

Q?

1. How much time do  you spend with your family? Is it more time than you spend at work? If not then Family is not the thing you Value most. Do you see where Im going with this?  How we perceive ourselves to be is sometimes not in alignment with the truth. 

You may be saying, "I want Family to be more important but how can I spend the same amount of time on Family as I do on work when work demands more of my time?"  It may not be possible, so you may have to move Family down to 2nd, or change your job, or give family more time from the hobbies, spiritual studies, or world peace to boost them up the chart! 

The thing we value most is what we put the most effort into. You have to honor your true nature to be in alignment with who you are.   Accepting your true nature brings less suffering into your daily life.  You may think you're a people person, but when  you're in a crowd it brings you great stress...It took me  to age 24 to realize I am not a people person. 
I love my family but I can't be around them 24/7 so in reality my Down time is more important to me, the time I work on my inner self...my Spiritual Studies as I like to think of it...nurturing my own spirit.  

This was the largest problem I had when I had my business.  I loved the work I did using my hands, being creative, and accomplishing a task or project. One thing I did not like was I had to deal with the public. I had to go to people's homes look at the furniture they wanted to have upholstered and show fabric samples, discuss the process, give a time frame and schedule and work with the client in a way that made them happy and I was able to get the work I needed to keep my shop going.  It's not a problem today because I accept that, it is my true nature. 

So what I did  is I set boundaries.  I was only open for business 9-3. If you called after 3 you got no answer, if you tried to call me at HOME I would not take your call or I would tell you to call my shop phone and leave a message.  I did not  open special hours, or weekends for ANYONE.  IF I chose to go work in my shop to get projects done, yes I did that, but I would not meet clients during that time. 

Only you can bring what is important into alignment with  your reality.  It does not mean you don't care, it simply means you are unable at this time place the correct value in the correct order.  

My current Order is this:

Down time

Chores 

Hobbies

Family

Exercise

When I was a care giver to my Mom and my Family when raising my son it was very different,  

Family

Chores

Hobbies

Exercise

Down time...

Work 

Family

Exercise/Hobbies

Chores

Downtime 

Bringing things to the correct alignment can give bring you more happiness!

You made your bed...now

HAT??

Today I listened to a monk who lives in Thailand, probably self proclaimed because I don't think a real Buddhist monk  has an Youtube Channel.  This does not mean he has no value.  I listened to his advice for a morning routine...

1.  Wake up slowly, even if you're awake keep your eyes closed...get centered, during this time you don't plan your day, or think about yesterday, but you contemplate death...for it comes we know now where but it could be today. 

2. Make your bed...he had dedicated an entire video to making your bed.  
This is something I do the moment I get up and have done my whole life...my bed never goes unmade.  Even when Im camping in the van...soon as I visit the bathroom I come back to make my bed.  Sometimes I turn it down after neatly removing all the wrinkles, and fluff and place my pillows. 

3. Chanting and Meditation, I don't chant but sometimes in the morning, I lay there and watch Molly of Denali.  It's a cartoon! I love this cartoon.  It's on PBS 7 am to 730 am...

It helps me clear my mind, I love the characters, the setting, and the lessons of this simple little show.  This morning they trekked thru the wilderness via dogsled and snowshoe to watch a distant Volcano erupt.   So very cool...Calm and beautiful.  

If I don't do that the little voice begins...the one I don't want to hear. 

4. Once you're up, do something out of generosity.  You take care of someone or something else...Fed your pet, water your plant, If you live with someone else make breakfast for them...help someone else in some way. 

5. Do your chores!  Don't leave things undone, it goes with you...this creates good habits, 


I have done most of these 5 steps and understand  how important it is....I have made huge mistakes back in the time I was working running my business putting a child thru school, I made a lot of shortcuts.  Harm was done I cant undo all that  harm...but I can try to go forward from here.

What does  making your bed say about you??





I have made other changes in my life to try and regain control of my mental health, and I will be sharing some of those ideas in the upcoming posts.  

Yesterday was a day of Healing for me, I had some processes to work through and using the life and falling of a beloved tree helped me to understand  some things. 

I am

AITING ON THE FUTURE...

Hummingbird, don't fly away...

Today is one of those days since my eyes flew  open I been in the past.  I got up and I saw a tree I've known for nearly  half a century, that was struck by lightening  30 yrs ago, has finally fallen down.  Just another piece of life gone.  It may seem so trivial to you but imagine peering thru my window to the field day after day for 45 years and seeing that tree, now its NOT there!  
Diamond Girl you sure do shine. 

That along with listening to my old music has taken me back to 1972, and I just want to be there I don't want to be here anymore.  Loss has shattered me in a lot of ways every blade of grass I adored is to me special and I don't know any other way to be in my life.  
Annie has been glued to me today she senses something I wish I knew what she knows...She knows things about me that I do not know...
Castles in the Sand. 

It just lays there so when I look out the window I feel this sense of time past and of loss. It's like I want it to stand back up....be strong again, grow limbs and new needles... The readers of these Writtin's know I am wrestling with grief and the places it takes you.  Trust me  you don't want to be in that place. I keep telling myself these are the bridges I must cross on my way to the rainbow bridge of my own life.  I want to find a shortcut. 
Go on East of Ginger Trees. 

I wish I had seen it fall or even heard it, then I could have stood witness to how tall and strong it once stood, but it just fell so silently and so mysteriously...just down on the ground dust to dust and all that.  
I'll Pray for You. So short will be the time I will stay with you. 

It's like I jumped thru one of those black holes, and it sucked me right back in time...and Im stuck there.  I see the Christmas trees of the past, I hear the moans of life, I see their faces, and I hear their voices.  They seem to be saying it was good, we had good. 
You are the children's eyes and I am the days gone by. 

Years are just like they say, sands in the hourglass but each grain must flow one by one by one...I have been struck by lightening. 
We may never pass this way again. 


Footnotes from Songs of 

Seals n Crofts

Poor and poorer

HAT TO DO?

So I changed my dogs food...I was not happy with processed dog food.  I heard bad things about it.  So I switched my dogs to a diet that is made of fresh veggies, brown rice that I cook at home from whole food, and then I added Fresh Pet meat for their protein.  And I add ground sunflower hearts to the their food some good fats, and they both get joint supplements also.  

BUT one dog Flossie, has lost quite a bit of weight.  She needed to lose some because now she moves around a lot better with her old ACL injury.  But I don't want her to be malnourished...I can feel her hip bones thru all the hair, So Im back to giving her the dry food kibble,  along with her normal meat.  I can't really find one that is idea so I just got a grain free one, made with Salmon, hopefully the extra Omega will  help with her joint troubles...But I wish I could afford real Meat for her, I don't eat meat myself or fish.  I checked chicken, or beef that would cost me $70 a month So add in the veggies and rice, it's easily over $100 a month.  The Fresh Pet has real meat and some veggie, It cost me $15 a week for both so it's affordable, but it does have some processing going on. 

However with the rising cost of food, how am I going to be able to continue feeding my pets a decent diet?  I have already said that these will be my last pets simply because living in the USA is only for the wealthy anymore and I can not afford it .

I can't imagine how poor families are making do...not only is food on the rise so is gas, utilities, and the cost of MOST everything.  Yet wages are not going up, SS has not gone up...and when it does, the raise is taken away by Medicare increases, so the raises we don't get to keep.  I have used my Medicare ONLY one time in the 6 yrs I've had it, So I think there should be different tiers of Medicare.  

Meanwhile we have this ASS kiss congress.  Both sides now the Dems have to beg this Joe Manchin to do his job...and the GOP never do their job...and yet they get paid very well, they get raises, they get top tier medical and they get TONS of perks.  

Im so over Capitalism, I say bring on Socialism it can't do any worse for the Majority...it will however hurt the rich!! At least we will all be poor!!

I say to hell with them...let them eat crow. 

I always go back to just simple math to prove my point,.

A clerk works 40 hrs a week and brings home after taxes  $30,000 a year,  

$2,500 a month...
Her living expenses of mortgage or rent, utilities, travel, food, clothing etc comes to 

$2,200 a month she has $300 a month for the non recurring parts of life, like repairs, maintenance, healthcare not covered by her job, life insurance, pets, and child care expense..

An account executive brings home $300,000 a year after taxes. 

That means he is bringing home $25,000 a month. 

His rent, utilities, travel, food clothing and repeating monthly expenses, are naturally more than the clerks, his mortgage is higher, his car more expensive, his utilities are more, and his food bill higher, but for the sake of argument, lets triple the expense of the clerks household.

So $6,600 monthly...He has $18,400 left over...we could actually triple his expenses again make it 6 times hers and still has a bundle of income left over. 

Need I say more??

Another one bites the dust

ELL>>>FRIDAY AGAIN

It's as regular as clock work, that dang calendar.  

Got my lazy butt in 2nd gear this morning, and walked a mile before breakfast, some birds were singing, most were out catching  breakfast.  

Yesterday I sat on the edge of my chair peering out the window wringing my hands, as the Tru Vista cable company, using a huge backhoe, ran a fiber optic line right over my internet and water lines, I was expecting to see the 2 green lights on my modem go dark and a geyser of water but neither happened...Thank goodness...They hit the water line along the way somewhere a couple weeks back...and we had no water for half a day or so.

Biden said "I want rural areas to have high speed internet" and damn he meant it.  I have perfect service from AT&T DSL, its not as fast as fiber optic but it suits me and I'm on a discounted poverty plan for seniors  so can't beat the price! 

I can not afford to switch and won't be getting the cable TV service either unless they come up with a discounted senior poverty plan for that! 

I went to Lowes for bird seed today.   The place was packed with shoppers.   I purchased this sick little chilli pepper plant that looked sad like an orphan, I will do my best to revitalize it.  

Out in the parking lot, they built this temporary fence to showcase their "for curbside only pick up" area, they stacked  some cement blocks up about 3 ft then put in a 4 x 4 timber as a top rail, I had parked beyond that and was making my way around it with my shopping cart and out of the blue this MAN came jumping over the fence  like a Gazelle, and landed right beside me!!  lol
Turned out to be only a young fellow with his mom, and he said "I had to know I still got it in me." Scared the life outta me cause I only saw something  big coming FAST  and then JUMP,  cleared the 3 ft fence...lol

Me and  his mom had a good laugh, when I said "you scared the shit outta me." LOL 

I forgot to watch my language.  

I Got...

EATHER WOES

OH it's hot and steamy.  I keep doing the little online calculator to see just how hot it really is.  Why doesn't some nerd make one we can hang on the porch?...one that measures the temp and humidity and gives us the REAL FEEL DEAL...

If it's 91 and it's 89% humidity then it's freakin' 106.1

I went out only to water my garden pots, fill up the seed feeders and bird baths, and I was drenched with sweat so much so I had to shower once back inside to stop the flow running down my  back....I seem to start sweating at the top and it's like a drip fountain trickling down top to bottom. 

I thought of packing up some things and head to a lake in the woods, take a dip but honestly even that was not appealing to me...all I could think of was that sweat run getting going again..

My sis shared a silly story....yesterday she was about to make breakfast, and the power went off.  So she got out her old camp stove and cooked up her egg muffin. When she put her dish in the sink she remembered her kitchen stove is Gas and has been gas in the 9 yrs she has lived in her current home...LOL And I thought I was bad when I typed this long very in depth email to my other sis telling her about my day and yada yada in reply to one she sent me, and never hit the send button.  She inquired, did you see my email from the other day?  

Slippage

So I have two AC units currently on to keep me cool.  AND 2 FANS to move the air around....I don't like summer weather I feel trapped...AND in checking other possibilities where can one go to escape the heat right now?  Even the RV'rs who travel to get out of it are staying in Mobile home parks with electric hook ups so they can have AC so just stay home and use your AC that makes no sense to me.  

If I go west where the sisters live ITS hot there you have to be above 8,000 ft to escape it and they are at 5,400 ft. There is smoke, and several forest fires and roads closed due to landslides, so that is not appealing...I'd be a third wheel as they have settled into a duo routine.  If I go north to Michigan, where  I have cousins etc, that would be okay visit and then keep moving but gas is very high currently Id run out of money very quickly.  IF the Canadian border was open I'd go there.   GO as far north as the road would carry me.  Town called EDZO. The high there today is going to be 41 F  --With the exchange rate gas is affordable in Canada.  It is a First Nations town and the name is actually Behchok0̨́ The population is under 3,000.  

The main highway is the Yellowknife highway but in winter there is 3 ice highways...NO thanks on that during this time of global warming I don't trust  ice...currently they have 19.5 hrs of daylight...hello.

Holy Black Out Curtains...I recall when my sis and I went to Alaska....we found it very hard to stop moving...at midnight it's still light enough to walk around outside...and be eaten by giant mosquitoes.   

Just about the time you fall asleep say at 2 or 3 am, the sun comes up at 4:30 am...I did love Alaska tho, the people there not so much.  They all seemed creepy.  Sorry for all you Alaskans, but the truth is we met very few Alaskans, mostly these were lower 48 transplants we met.  And it seems its the disgruntled people haters who move to Alaska to be "Frontiersmen" or some bullshit.  Really?

Okay this makes me want to pull out my Alaska photos and scan them in.

sis on the left me on the right...August ! And  in Alaska BRIGHT SUN!

We may be in for...

ILD TIMES AHEAD?

I was made aware of some earthquake activity in CA overnight...

That link takes you to some of the reports...and my sister told me, that someone told her that all the geysers in Yellowstone went off at the same time I could not verify that...so not sure that really happened.  But the Earthquake activity was real.  Imagine the Earth cracking in half?  I can see it now...the conservatives on Earth Right and the Liberals on Earth Left...That may not be such a bad thing. ha!

The oppressive heat on the west coast along with the many fires burning  is making life there very hazardous.  What if suddenly we are not bombarded by a few thousand people escaping poverty and violence at our Southern border, but with Millions of American's fleeing the Western USA? Now that could be a real problem,  that would be an immediate cataclysmic human disaster.  

It's really hot here too and the numbers may look ok, it's getting into the mid 90's but factor in the humidity...the heat index and it really is very warm.   Without air conditioning in the East and especially the Southeast people would be dying daily from heat related problems.  That is a human disaster waiting to happen if the grid goes down.  Body temp of 104 F and brain damage can occur.  

So if all the people flee the west they will head northeast is my thinking trying to get to the water of the Great Lakes and the coolness of the north...I don't think many will want to come Southeast. The people of the Southeast will flood to the coastal areas to try and stay cool with ocean breezes. 

And on those same lines, if I lived in Afghanistan I would be leaving NOW! Just get out, if they are not going to defend the country then just let it go.  The USA did all they could and they honestly should never have gone in there.  The extremism of the RIGHT is exploding around the world...if we are not going to fight it then we just need to move ON let them have the land, with no people to exploit and control that will kill their fire. 

It was another Vietnam, if  you're not going to really seriously lay them flat then what is the purpose... just keep shooting over each others heads? That is not what kills ideology.  I AM not a fan of war, don't start a  war and most especially if you are not serious...I see a bunch of hoodlums in pick up trucks with ground to air weapons??  I think Obama had the right idea of using drones to take out as many of the militants as possible. 

 
Soon what's happening in Afghanistan  will happen here in the USA...the hoodlums on the right have already started to say they intended to set their militia on destroying the left to get Trump back in.  Why has Trump not been arrested for inciting that riot?  Why is the left playing tiddlywinks with the right? Mark a line in the sand or just go home. 

AND why? What good did he do them...they still work down at the slaughter house, live in a trailer park, drink themselves to sleep each night, and die of covid....what did he do in the 4 yrs he had? JOBS were lost, the economy went in the tank, the unrest grew, the only ones who benefited was his family and the 1% who ride rockets in the air so they can float for 4 mins. OKAY then.  

Trump went to the border in TX why hasn't he gone to the building that fell to the ground in FL? Why didn't he offer any financial help to families, why? And yet his rally goers are going to send him money so he can sue Twitter, Facebook, and Google...he had never even read the first amendment. 
Meanwhile in TX the democrats walked out of the session in Congress to prevent a vote that takes away Voters Rights...

Cubans finally saying We've had enough of this BS! Finally. 

I'm in Apocalyptical thinking mode today.   

Just shut up...

HILST...

The summer drags on Im trying to work on my mental health.  I have not been reaching out to people and family, as I was shutting down more and more and that is not my normal MO...'

Im normally a squeaky wheel, Inquisitive and a person who observes.  When  you're so alone there is nothing to observe. 
The past week was a very difficult one for me, as I had to ask for help.  And it did help.  I am going to make more phone calls when Im feeling down and reach out more and be more direct about my needs.  

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help this I know...I have always been a self made person...when I was young coming up I had very few role models so I escaped to my own world....I did not ask questions I observed in silence and came to my own conclusions. 

I remember riding the school bus from the rural area where we lived into town to go to  school.   I was reading signs in town that said "Horses on sidewalks prohibited" and I didn't know what prohibited meant.  At that time we had not acquired our set of World Book Encyclopedia. The whole thing a-z came later with it's own wooden stand, my mom's determination to give us an education, not mentioned but illustrated by this sudden appearance of books in our meager home.  Most times we had old hand down shoes to wear and only a pot of beans on the table but...She was determined to give us what she didn't get. 

So I never bothered to ask anyone "what does prohibited mean?" 

So I imagined many thing this could mean, did it mean horses danced in the street, did it mean you had to lead them through here very quietly? In my young curious mind it was such a puzzle what couldn't horses do on this sidewalk??

Then one day I saw this one. "Curb your Dog."

For heaven's sake, now they are attacking dogs in this town...how does one "curb" a dog?  My dogs ran free in the country where I lived to do as they pleased...They were my friends not my property.

That was way back in 1960 the rest of the world was fighting about equality...down at the Fluff n Fold the sign above the door said, "No Coloreds" and then inside at the cool drinking water fountain a sign said, "Whites Only" My dad used to lift me up to drink from it. 

So one day I worked up the courage and asked my dad...."what does that mean?"

My dad had a friend named Jim, they had worked at the same garage as mechanics, but mostly they were drinking buddies...

So my dad said, 
"That means Jim can't come in here."  
That only puzzled me more cause I was only a barely out of the "see Spot run" reading book, but I did not see the word Jim on that sign. 

I remember the very first person of color I saw when my dad moved us from the Appalachian mountains of Tennessee to SC way back on July 4th, 1960, we arrived early in the morning my dad drove through the entire night while we slept in the back seat of his blue 1957 Chrysler with the fins on back...I was 6 yrs old would turn 7 that year...And I sat up when he made a turn to see where we were.  

On the street I saw a man walking, he had on a white shirt a hat and his skin was black...his face, his arms and hands all black...so I said "Daddy what happened to that man, is he burned?" 

My dad said, "No he is from Africa." 

AFRICA?
OH MY GOSH,  what is Africa? I had never seen anyone from Africa.  Then I found out more about Africa...I spent that whole year very confused...if we are in Africa where are the giraffes and the elephants.  And why are these other people so mean to the people from Africa? 

My political leanings did not come  from CNN it came from my own observations from young wide eyed elementary kid to adulthood. 

It took me many years of self education to figure things out. My dad died in 1967 I had no one to ask those questions of as most adults when asked would simply shout back, "why don't you just shut up." 

...and so I did.  

a fine memory...

HO ARE YOU?
WHO WHO - WHO WHO

Back in time to 2002, that's the year I moved out of Manhattan to Brooklyn into my own studio apartment, up until then I had been with a roommate, and I really didn't enjoy the company of that Cuban lady who rode home in a taxi one night and brought the driver up for a roll in the hay in the middle of the night...and who used to go into my room when I was at work...It takes a lot of worry finding an apartment, one you can afford one close enough to work with train access etc.  At the time I had sold my car since the parking was such a nightmare in the city.  

It took me about one month of looking, calls, digging thru the rentals in the back of the Village Voice, the Onion, and the NY Post.  I hit ever bulletin board and then finally in the Jewish Press I found some basement apartments.  So I went to see a few on my days off...one I didn't think I could do it was big but the floor was not level my head felt swimmy in there...another I really liked it was in Flatbush my job was in Canarsie area off Rockaway Parkway....so the location was great and even tho I told him Im a vegetarian he said "but that's not kosher." 

So he discriminated against my lack of religious practices.  Brooklyn is home to a very large Hasidic Jewish population and they own most of the businesses, and they are the main slum lords of the city and they own a lot of the property and rentals. So I kept looking, then I saw an ad for Coney Island, Atlantic Ave, SeaGate.  IT was way out on the end of the island  on Norton's Point off Gravesend Bay...and one of the main shipping corridors into the city and the old house was right on the water...

THE price was right!! It was a mile or more to the train station tho...22 blocks, and all passed right through Housing Projects, "the projects". 

                                                                           The F  train to work 

So I went, the owner was retired FDNY captain and he was Jewish but not Hasidic...just your everyday Jewish dude who allowed me to take the apartment because I was an EMT and that goes hand in hand with fire department as in NYC they run the EMS its part of FDNY.  So I got the Studio! I had to pay first and last plus a $525.00 deposit....it was a 20 x 20 ft basement studio apartment..IT had it's own exterior entrance, street side parking, and the beach and the ocean right outside. 

                                                        3848 with the grassy yard

It looks from this recent google map shot the brick building has been torn down It was a separate rental and while I lived there the tenant died and was in there 3 days before anyone realized, he was in very poor health.  So I guess they tore the building down it was never rented again while I was there. 

                                            this is the building from the ocean side 

I HAD no furniture it was not furnished, but it had one dresser in it, he said  he would have that moved out and I could pick up the keys on Friday and pay my deposits, so I put him off till Saturday the start of my days off and he agreed.  I said if you don't want to move the dresser leave it and I will use it, so he did. 

So I had a friend who had a Dodge Caravan and she brought it on moving day and she had a mattress set that she had replaced and it was stored in plastic in her garage, so she brought it for me, along the way we hit the curb side "shopping", I found a hollywood bed frame, a big bedside lamp, a bedside table, an eating table and 2 chairs, an ugly cabinet, and a weird modern style rocking chair by the time we arrived at my new place...her van was packed with my "new" Furniture!! 

That's a radiator I used for my headboard. 

I painted it yellow as you can see it on the left edge of the photo...I eventually got this quilt for my bed and I still use it to this day...The artwork was yard sale finds, that seascape is now in my sis's home out west. I gave it a more updated look a few months after the move and this is the way it was until 2006 Oct when I gave up my lease. 

The basement had a row of windows that faced the ocean side of course I couldn't see the beach being at ground level from inside and there was a concrete fence around the yard, but when I walked up my steps and turned to the left I could see the ocean the beach and  Staten Island  the other side of the Bay...and the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge...

And I could hear the ocean at all times...

                        I had one corner as my "office" area with the old desk top computer and a                                                                  found office chair. 

On the next day we went for one more haul driving around and found a wicker book shelf, and few more things I could use! So for ZERO money I furnished my apartment.  I hit the dollar store for a few things, and actually she also brought me some kitchen things a set of plates, some odds n ends cutlery a can opener, and the lady who I had been sharing with forced me to take her Microwave with me, she wanted to get a newer model.  My friend also surprised me with a full size sheet set and a comforter...and I had some towels I had brought from home, and a tiny TV set, old 12" one and had used it in my bedroom in the apartment share and SO I had all I needed to set up housekeeping in my studio...and it was quite cozy.  

My Vermont Rock Maple table found on the curb and mis matching chairs and the microwave.


My kitchen was not always this cool looking, it was dark brown and horrible, I asked if I could redo it and he said Okay.....so I put contact paper on the cabinets

And you can see that door on the left with some bohemian beads that I used to lower on nice days when I wanted my entry door left open...the little door on the right is the bathroom it had a large walk in shower.  

As a surprise my sis ordered a HUGE tv for me, it was 26 inches and I was able to squeeze it into the shelf unit with a couple tweeks, and I had a vcr/dvd combo that I still have and use today that I purchased at one of the many electronic stores in the city.  

                                          Very blurry of the small tv and shelf unit

 Im still looking for the picture of the rocking chair,  and the big tv, I hope I can find, it, 

Life in the city for me was not easy I did my job then had my days off and I stayed to myself...I had no TV connection so I used to rent movies at Blockbuster, and my sis used to tape CSI for me.  So once she got a tape filled she would mail it to me, and I would binge watch all of the episodes on my days off, sometimes she took out the commercials and she would get like 8 hrs of video for me...

Sitting in my rocker with my feet up the remote  for my 26" tv in hand, the sound of the ocean crashing outside my open windows, and the theme song...

"Who are you, who who who who"...I loved it. What a treat. It was the original series, and they had some really interesting episodes.  

So today after I came in from mowing the yard had a shower sat down and  said Im gonna watch some tv, and put it on and guess what I heard....on the old antenna tv?

WHO ARE YOU, WHO WHO WHO, and now I'm rocking in the arms of a good memory. 

                                            Had so many beautiful sunsets...

Rather be living...

ITH DREAMS

I've had my share of them for sure...Some terrifying moments when you are like frozen and yet you need to run...glad to be awake from those but some you just wish you could enjoy forever...that you might live inside that dream the rest of your life. 

The other morning at exactly 6:01 am  I awoke shouting, "you came back"
Then I burst into a spell of tear laden grief. 

Because  it was only a dream, I saw myself on my back porch curious about a car that had driven up so I peered  out and was shocked. I saw the driver of the car was MY MOM...I was running with arms open she was out of the car standing beside it, and I was screaming "you drove all this way by yourself, you came back," and just as I got to her, right before I got that hug, that embrace, I woke up because I was yelling, "you came back".

Then the tears, the begging, the pleading, but sleep or dream did not return.  And when I got up I realized I was running a fever and I was in fact quite ill.  So for about 3 days I have barely moved from couch to bed.  Today Im better not well but better.  Its a head cold sneezing, sore throat, sinus congestion, pain, and just general malaise.  I will survive to try and make it through another day.  

 I am tired of being alone and I hate being around people...

I'm between worlds.