Life happens are we listening...

Since I got my old PC running again it's been amazing to open up that time capsule! I'm reading old blog posts the few I was able to save in Word files when 3 of the blog platforms I used closed down, 2005-2006 time frame.  I can see my writing style changed a LOT!  In fact I like my old style better.  I covered everything from the mundane to technical, from the private and personal to the political and religious even.  I think one thing that happened is back when I was supporting Obama for President, many of the people in the circle I had been blogging with were on the other side of that fence and I lost like 12 blog friends in the course of 2 weeks! I believe in fear of that happening to me again I decided to play it safe.  

I started to blog a photo some captions under photos, the artwork I was involved in at that time, etc...but the part I started to leave out was MY LIFE!  Each of us now a-days suffers from ADD.  It will be darned hard for most to even make it through this post. 

One thing I can say about my state of mind back then; I was determined!!   That is how I still am today.  I'm def more mellow and have very few needs not being satisfied, although I live a meager lifestyle.  The last year I was in NYC my job had really started to eat at me, and I still have PTSD and probably always will have...it was not all bad but the bad ones seem to hang around more in the corners of my mind than the good ones. I'm talking about experiences.  Sometimes I squeeze my head between my hands in a effort to forget.

On my last week in NYC before the move back to SC my last day working as a Paramedic was on my birthday the 29th...and the next day I made this post on My Space Blog:

Sept 30, 2006

Dear Blog Family, 

By the time you read this Ill be gone...I’ve always wanted to begin a letter that way, well I did once upon a time and you will all read that if you read my book Before Life Got Complicated.  I know that my life is getting ready to change again...I don’t have all the answers.  I came to New York City in search of something.

Many questions were answered while I was here...and some dreams...look at me soon to be a published author...I lived in my own little shoebox by the sea...I witnessed history in the making, I felt the terror, saw the pain, and tried to help. I became an EMT then a Paramedic...I’ve watched as people died, and I’ve seen infants born, and I've seen infants die. I saw some that I prayed they would die and be out of the miserable life they were trapped in.  

I witnessed suffering, seen Kings, and I’ve been a part of it all. New York is a vibrant place; its alive in a way I can't explain to you...you have to see it for yourself, feel it for yourself...and experience it for yourself. But until you live there you really don't know New York City.  You might visit, but you have to know the daily heart beat of the city to really understand.  From Brooklyn, to Astoria, Washington Heights to Harlem, Sheepshead Bay to Bay Shore, City Island to Roosevelt Island, from East New York to Pelham Bay Park to the Bronx to Central Park West, the  East Side, Alphabet City, West Side Drive , Upper, Lower, Midtown Manhattan...its a beautiful place full of beautiful determined people. 

When I arrived here I didn't know uptown from down, now I know NYC like the back of my hand.  I can tell you how to go local, which train to take, what bus to connect, what highway to take if you have a fast car...and if you want to walk I know all the street names and what corners to take you where you want to go...I’ve eaten in fine restaurants and I’ve struggled to eat take out rice n beans while flying down 5th Ave, lights and sirens blasting, and hoping I can scarf this food down before we arrive and have to jump out and once again try to help someone on the worst day of their lives. You have to learn how to disconnect. Tunnel vision helps keep you sane.

Some days it was almost more than I could bear, I broke down and sobbed in anger, disgust, desperation and yet in the end I made it. I survived a broken heart,  anger like you've never felt,  suppressed the urge to murder, and I’ve survived a job that takes lives daily.  I survived on my own. I went to work everyday missed only 2 days of work due to sickness in 5 1/2 years. I went back to school and worked my ass off for one year solid, putting in 72 hour weeks every week, and sometimes I staggered home looking like a drunk, cause I was so tired I couldn’t walk straight after pulling a double and going to class...and YET I did it! If you can make it here you can make it anywhere...and that is true!

This is a city of immigrants and opportunity.  The people here are the most tenacious in the whole world...they will not be outdone, they will not be ignored, and they will never give up! Just the other day I saw 2 men walking on the side of the street each one carrying a piece of 3/4" thick plywood, a full sheet! When is the last time you carried a sheet of heavy plywood a couple miles?  Do you know how hard that is???  They had been to Home Depot in Brooklyn and had no way to get that plywood home, so they were carrying it. It wouldn't fit in my little hooptie or I'd have stopped. That reminded me of a time back in my childhood when my Mom was raising 3 kids and had no car of her own...she went to the grocery store and had ended up with 3 bags of groceries, she could only carry 2 so she hid one behind a bush in the park, and prayed it would still be there when she came back to get it as she knew we had to have that food.  I did stop many times and gave people rides in my time here; not mentioning the almost nightly rides of co-workers to the train.

 I’ve seen people struggle and work 3 jobs just to make ends meet.   I had 2 myself for a while, I’ve seen others sit on their ass and do nothing but have babies they didn’t want and couldn't feed.  I’ve seen families show affection for each other in public. They practice their religions.  I’ve seen them fight and bring blood...I’ve seen riots, I marched in  Peace Rallies, and been delayed while the Critical Mass cyclists held up rush hour in Union Square for their cause. I attended the St. Patrick's Day Parade, the New Years Eve Ball Drop,  the Gay Pride Parade, the 9th Annual Lesbian Parade, Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, Poodle Parades, and walked in Protest Marches while cops in riot gear dared us to get out of hand.  I attended street festivals, Broadway and off Broadway plays, summer concerts in Central Park and in countless other venues,  and Mass at St Patrick's following 9/11. 

I’ve seen kindness, compassion, and love...I’ve seen incredible cruelty, I’ve seen honesty and loathsome evil people...I’ve seen ultra wealthy and I’ve seen homeless...crack addicts, and alcoholics laying in their own feces on the street while everyone walked around them; when I was off duty sometimes I walked around them too.  I hit the bars, and outside  seen vampires and drag queen's, beggars, artists, and street entertainers. I’ve been on stand by while buildings burnt to the ground, and firefighters came out with heat exhaustion and burns and taken them to the ER. I’ve seen LIFE happen right before my eyes and I've seen life snuffed out as buildings fell to the ground.  I’ve seen the best and the worst of NYC and the people who are NYC and I've been a part of it...sometimes it was good.

Then I’ve screamed WHY WHY WHY.

 I’ve been where you will never want to be, reviving dying addicts while their loved ones cried in the circle of death. Watched as men and women on the floor not breathing suddenly sitting up talking to us within minutes after we saved their addicted body, we could not save their minds.   I've been swallowed in a city of 9 million, I've been lonely as it vomited me out.  I’ve been happy I’ve been afraid, elated..and desperate. I've walked on cloud nine, I’ve known friends and lovers, seen enemies, been in places you wouldn’t dare go and I’ve challenged my right to be there. I’ve turned my back on people, I’ve said yes and I’ve said NO...I’ve carried a knife and been prepared to use it...I’ve been happy and I’ve been destroyed. 

More than anything else I’ve been HERE...I’ve see it, I’ve tasted it, I’ve lived it...yes I did IT!  So the question I was asking myself before I came here on May 7, 2001 has been answered and the answer is,
YES.... THERE IS LIFE OUT THERE, and I found it!

Have a great day bloggers I know I will, cause I'm finally going HOME!!