My room at home
hy does a rainy day get me down? That old song Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get ME Down..comes to mind...every time I come to Greenville to dog sit it rains..not just one day but every day---since I arrived here on Friday morning I saw the sun for about 1 hr before darkness fell that night and then the clouds brought forth rain --and today its a steady downpour, cold and dreary--seemed to set the stage for last nights nightmare!! YES I have nightmares.For many years after the passing of my forever friend Sundance (he was my horse) he came to me in dreams...dreams of me trying to find him as he disappeared over a hill beyond my reach, dreams of seeing him laying dead in a puddle of blood (he did not die in a puddle of blood I had him humanely put to sleep to stop his suffering) dreams of me riding him and the scent of his horsey coat drifting up to me exactly as it did when I rode him for real--I waked from these dreams sometimes screaming, always crying, always upset. Since 1996 these dreams plagued my sleep until last year....for 13 years I almost didnt want to go to sleep and when I did the last thing I would utter is..
"Please no dreams tonight."
I moved 800 miles away in 2001 and still the dreams followed me where ever I went...didnt matter-although I didnt have them every single night..I had them more nights than not.
In 2006 I moved back to SC from NY. I was once again stood by the grave of my forever friend. I tended where it had sunk, hauled loads of sand to level the ground and put up a sadly bent marker made of some old aluminum..formed in a cross...I hung windchimes and his halter--hoping by doing this I was setting his soul free to roam the vast universe alone until the day I join him and once again share the world with him as one- me astride him taking us both where we want to go.
Then one morning I awoke with a dream fresh in my mind...we had been together again--he had trotted away and I had gone up a grassy ridge to see him all the while calling his name. When I got to the ridge below I saw a sink hole and his dead lifeless body lay crumpled at the bottom. I was so crushed inside I awoke and the pain was so real---I had to experience it all over again the feeling of loss, grief, guilt, aloneness, it hit me hard.
I keep a large picture of Sundance in my room, its the only picture hanging on my wall--I took him to be the guardian of my soul--having lost my faith so long ago I felt disconnected, so Sunny was my way to reconnect. He may have been watching over me, maybe not I dont know these things I can only imagine--but I know I was in misery.
Not just the ghosts of many things passed long ago, but fresh ghosts of the 911 tragedy and the role I had in that-witnessing it for one, and volunteering with other EMT's for another...trying to come to grips with horror is not easy task--can it even be done? So far I would say NO..
So on that morning I awoke with fresh wounds to the loss of my friend and I yelled out "GO AWAY-YOU ARE DEAD, I PUT YOU IN THE GROUND I SAID WORDS OVER YOU, IM STILL ALIVE, I CANT TAKE THESE DREAMS ANY MORE! I pounded my fist on my pillow and I cried and let all the pain come out---my face wet with tears and my heart aching, but eventually I was able to get out of bed and go about a normal day...then that night
The dream returned with fury--my legs and body frozen in pain and agony as he trotted away and I couldnt get close to him I screamed "SUNNY" but he kept going , when he got to the rise he stopped and looked back for a long time I got closer but then he trotted over the hill...when I finally made it up the rise and looked down he was GONE--no body this time just an empty valley with grasses swaying. I wept and I screamed SUNNY where are you dont gooooooo...but he did, I had sent him away in the awake world and he left me. I woke myself screaming SUNNY quite loudly---I sobbed for hours upon awaking...for I had driven the love of my life away unable to keep reliving the pain of losing him.
I have not dreamed of Sunny since that dream--I still have nightmares like the one last night...I was in a bus a small van type bus with a group of senior citizens my Mother was with us..we were going to a place to eat it was like a seniors commune. As we parked two fighter jets swooped down and one shot a rocket at us, it came right through the van traveled right through leaving an entry and exit hole--but no one was harmed. IT swooshed right past my face...it was about 2 feet long and looked exactly like a small rocket...it was painted that drab army green....The entry hole had an image of clear plastic covering it and the image was the face of the man who had been behind the controls of the plane that shot the rocket at us. He was an Asian man and he wore an old German WWII type metal helmet on his head.
Everyone was debarking the van to go inside to eat a meal, but I wanted to take a photograph of this clear plastic bust of the Asian man..I tried and tried but the camera would not work!! Meanwhile I got left behind...when I finally gave up and went inside there were hundreds of people there I couldnt find my party or my mom. I looked in every room, I ended up at this gate and I climbed over it and there was a young woman-- a cook---she told me I couldnt come there I had to leave I climbed up on a trellis type structure...and there were spiders webs up there...I dont like spiders and I told her "I cant go that way there are spiders there." SO she opened the gate and I grabbed my pocketbook (the very one I am carrying in real life) My camera (the very one I use now) and a packet of cigarettes and a lighter!! I used to smoke but quit long ago,....but in my dreams IM STILL A SMOKER. I even said in my dream "YOU dont smoke"..but then my subconscious said "I'm dreaming and I do smoke when Im dreaming." SO strange---I headed back up to the main dining areas it was separated into different rooms...but I couldnt find anyone I knew and when I looked outside the van was gone---I woke UP!! It took me about 3 or 4 minutes to be able to move...I was paralyzed--and afraid, lost.
MY brain was numb for quite a long time after I got up..it took 2 cups of strong coffee to get it awake, if its even awake not sure. I felt exhausted and I still do...I do know that when I come to my sisters house I always have vivid dreams and there is something about this house that is not right!! I feel very depressed when Im here and on rainy days which seems to be always--it has rained every time Ive come here for the last 5 or 6 times---the energy here is very low and bad. I never feel quite myself when Im here. I try to be ME, but something gets in the way of that. Ive come here and my head has ached so bad I couldnt get out of bed!! Ive come here and I hear voices but no one is here but me. I told my sister and she agrees the energy of this house is not good...she has redone most all of the rooms but it has not made it better in fact I'd say its worse.
IS the problem with this house or is a combo of me in this house? I cant wait until tomorrow afternoon when I can go home!!
